8 expert anger management tips. Incl. worksheet and test

Expert anger management tips, anger tests and worksheets

I’m so glad you’ve landed here in your search for anger management tips. Perhaps a ‘red mist’ has made you realise it’s time to get some tips to deal with your anger. The more emotional we are, the more unpredictable our behaviour – you may have already experienced that.

Or, perhaps you habitually lose your rag about next to nothing.

Maybe you’re well aware that you’re hurting the people around you and that your temper’s always on a short fuse.

Perhaps you know that people feel insecure around you, never knowing what kind of mood you’ll be in and how you’ll react. You might even feel insecure, always at the mercy of your anger.

Let’s get you sorted!

What anger is

• Anger – in itself – is neither bad nor good.
• It’s an inborn emotion designed to help protect and motivate you.
• Anger is an emotional response to a psychologically, biologically and/or socially triggering episode.
• Anger is an emotion you can regulate, depending on its intensity.
• When you’re in control, anger can indicate a degree of passion. It can motivate and put to good use.
• When you’re out of control, anger can potentially cause immense harm.

In other words, at one end of the scale and when it’s under control, anger is a natural and potentially useful reaction. Somewhere in the middle, it helps you achieve the seemingly impossible. And at the other end of the scale, it kills.

Only you know at which point you’re deliberately out to hurt someone and when you’re beyond your own control.

My aim is to help you to understand what’s happening to you and learn what you can do about it both immediately and in the long term. I, therefore, hope that the information in this article will set you off on the right track.

Anger test

Let’s now try to discover more about what might be going on for you as an individual.

For this anger test, I don’t need your email address. It’s completely confidential, and you’ll see the results immediately.

Disclaimer

Here are some more potential contributing factors…

Why you may be getting so angry

Let me first help you explore your particular anger issues in a little more detail. 

These are the questions I’d ask you if you came to me for anger management counselling.

Grab a pen and paper, and let’s get started…

Anger test: 16 questions to uncover any contributing factors to your anger problem

1. Do you consider people are generally less worthy than you, and therefore you’ve given yourself permission to let rip?
2. Have you been deeply wounded by someone or something? 
3. Have people you love been deeply hurt? 
4. Have you been unfairly treated or criticised?
5. Have you been badly let down by someone?
6. Are you getting angry about next to nothing?
7. Do you have the warrior gene? Is there a family history of aggression and violence? (Learn more from the surprising family history and the brain scan of neuroscientist James Fallon)
8. Are you depressed? See my article on how to get rid of depression and my page on mental health counselling.
9. Have you been going through a particularly stressful time? See my article Effective stress release tips and advice.
10. Do you have relationship problems? Consider connecting with a registered or licensed therapist for support and advice.
11. Are you suffering from a lack of sleep? See Natural sleep remedies.
12. Are you having problems at work? You may be able to get some anger management therapy at work.
13. Do you suffer from a post-trauma stress reaction, or even full-blown PTSD, from a work-related incident, accident or from growing up in a violent environment?
14. Do you suffer from low self-esteem and quickly feel criticised? See my article on how to boost your self-esteem effectively.
15. Could you be dealing with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD**)? Fluctuating hormones can cause severe irritability, anxiety and depression in the week(s) before your period. See also my article about peri-menopausal symptoms and how to support your partner through the menopause.
16. Are you quickly feeling jealous?

Anger management worksheet

Whatever the cause of your anger, since you’ve landed here, you’re clearly in need of some helpful anger management tips.

I’ve developed this anger management worksheet to help you increase your self-awareness.

Fight or flight, or tend and befriend?

Discover the biology and psychology of anger

Why the need?

Because the more you understand the biology and psychology of your anger issues, the better your chance of managing your anger.

It’s vital you understand the following…

When you’re seething, your mind/body brain is in survival mode. It adopts a better to be safe than sorry approach – fight or flight.

Shelley Taylor discovered in her research that this flight/fight mechanism is true particularly for men*. According to her, women have a very different emergency response – they’re more likely to “tend and befriend”.

In any case, the effects of the survival mode are:

• black and white, all or nothing thinking
• loss of objectivity
• loss of context
• a narrow focus of attention often locked on something insignificant
• and a consequent inability to consider other people’s points of view.

Think about how dangerous that can be! You may hardly know what you’re doing at that moment. You could even have an anger blackout and forget what you’ve done whilst in the grip of the red mist.

So, you can see there’s no point in discussing any subject when you’re in such a trance.

Trance states in themselves are natural and useful, though – they’re hypnotic!

Do you need anger management tips, anger counselling or your family health practitioner?

4 additional causes of anger and how to deal with them

1. You’ve been allowed to be angry too much or spoilt as a child. Therefore you’re unlikely to have learnt to deal with anger appropriately. My article on how to deal with a narcissist may give you some insight.
2. Deep down, you enjoy the power it brings. See my article: Signs of an abusive relationship.
3. Your body is feeling the strain. Apart from low blood sugar, several other health problems could be underlying your anger issues, such as inflammation (yes, really!*), liver disease, a stroke or pain. An appointment with your healthcare provider for a checkup is more appropriate than anger management tips or anger therapy.
4. You’ve played (or are still playing contact sports. You may well have suffered repeated (minor) head injuries. Therefore, I would like you to read my article: CTE and your relationship. You’re likely to benefit from anger management tips, but I recommend you see a specialist or get your family health provider to arrange a brain scan.

8 anger management tips for handling difficult conversations

There’ll be times when you know in advance you might get uptight and lose your temper.

Here are some anger management tips to help you make those conversations more manageable:

1. You’ll have familiarised and practised a calming breathing technique in advance.
2. During the conversation, you focus on one subject at a time.
3. As soon as you feel your anger rise, you extend your out-breaths to help you stay calm.
4. While focussing on your breath and remaining calm, you listen, allowing the other person to have their say.
5. Keep listening, asking questions, nodding and murmuring: “Hm, hm. Interesting.” That doesn’t mean you necessarily agree!
6. If you can no longer hear what’s being said, calmly state that you’d like a little time to reflect. You’ll need a minimum of 20 minutes, ideally. Take a brisk walk, read, plan, or talk to someone else, diverting your attention. Avoid going over and over your reasons for being angry in your mind.
7. Look at the situation from the other person’s perspective – you may be surprised!
8. Do some aerobic exercise immediately afterwards. Go for a walk. Or even run up and down the stairs (if necessary with a pile of files under your arms.

7 tips to avoid becoming angry

1. Avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions at all costs..
2. Avoid interruptions with: “Yes, but”, or “No, I don’t….”.
3. Check what was meant before you respond.
4. Remain respectful regardless of someone else’s reactions or opinions.
5. Avoid wanting to be right – this is one of my best anger management tips.
6. Avoid using or responding to provocations (see box below).
7. Learn to apologise sincerely.

See my article on better arguing in a relationship for more information on how to have a decent conversation about tricky subjects.

How to control your anger when you’re feeling provoked

Below is a list of potential provocations. It comes with a cautionary note. Provocation is not an excuse for losing your temper. You remain responsible for your behaviour.

However, the list may help you identify your anger issues and behaviour patterns.

References

*Azar, B. A new stress paradigm for women. American Psychological Association, 2000, via APA

**U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health: Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)