“Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.” Franz Schubert
For the most part, we actively attempt to know our chosen beloved. We meet their friends, family, and coworkers. A social discovering process is seeing how we fit together—sharing life with others and maybe even living together. We have it all figured out. They are the ones! The perfect one, the one who understands me. Love bubbles, surges, and takes over our whole being; that is where we go wrong. Now for the happy ending…
Not so fast.
If you think that soulmate love, or only ‘one’ perfect love for you, forget it, you have already failed. How can there be ideal love if there are no perfect people? If you think the other person “completes you,” figure out how to complete yourself. If those are your beliefs, keep the divorce attorney in your favorites.
That line of thinking is romantically immature and embraces unrealistic expectations. You may be in for a fall if your ideals are set on this platform. You may think you know who you are marrying but think again.
In a world where we are still trying to figure out who we are, how can we possibly understand another with whom we want to share the rest of our lives? Simply, we can’t.
Many things factor in when it comes to a decision and reasons to wed.
One person may have different expectations for marriage. Many want what we think will work or what we see does not work in our family. It gets tricky because we don’t even know we are doing this…
It is normal to think that happiness lies within marriage, but it is not simple.
What we are seeking is the familiar, uncovering childhood, an unconscious decision to repeat what we know. On a knowing level, we are looking to recreate in adulthood or fix what we experienced in childhood. Therefore, we often choose the wrong partner because that person may “feel” right and seem tricky.
Most couples that marry have an overwhelming excitement of love wanting to take those feelings to unite and share themselves; it is lovely. It is also naïve. Do not marry the feeling of love, for hormones are having their way with you. Those blinders will fall after a couple of years; seeing the authentic self can be a game changer.
Take your time getting to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, or until divorce; you do part. Seriously you need to know someone for at least two years. The realness of you and your partner will submerge; that is when you can earnestly start loving one another. True love equals real work on self, on acceptance, and on embracing each other as is.
I’m a hardcore believer in love, I do sound tainted, but I know it takes work, fortitude, and, ultimately, a leap of faith.
Knowing yourself is vital. Look at your history, family, friends, past loves, the ones that worked and those that failed. Developing skills to communicate pretty and set boundaries. You are important and have earned the right to be treated with consideration, kindness, and love. Know when you need a time-out, and you can reassure your partner that you are processing and will be able to connect on that matter in a couple of hours or the morning. A new day makes everything look different. The better you can manage misunderstandings and arguments, the more manageable and, dare I say, happier you will be in marriage.
Know you can have more than one great love in a lifetime. That love may look different; as I said before, we all change.
I have had more than one great love, more than one marriage, and more than a few fiancées, but who is counting? I have loved, I have dated, I have taken lovers, I have broken hearts, and I have had my heart broken. Through those love, I have learned much about myself. All retold in my book “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love.” A cheeky, funny read worth every page.
If you marry because you are lonely or for security, there is a price. Learn to care for yourself, self-care, self-worth, and much sexier.
One thing that I am quite sure about is the healthier my esteem held, a direct correlation to the health of the relationship I would attract. When my esteem was destroyed, I allowed an awful person into my world, my heart; it was ugly, and he was an atrocious guy. If you feel bad about yourself and you do not think you deserve to be treated fairly and with respect, that is what you will get abused. A lesson in pain I would not want for others, but I sadly see it daily.
Love matters; you matter.
Many will marry wrong and learn about themselves along the way. Some will stay in the wrong marriages and manage differently. Half will get divorced; however, the brave ones will do the work and have the courage to try again. Love is out there at every age for anyone who sets their intentions on knowing themselves, healing from their journey, and knowing where they stand in the storm.
I married my best friend, and I am mostly happy and safe with that decision. The longer we are together, the easier it is to get through trying moments.
Lucky or effort-filled steps? I would say both!
Watch the video for more inspiration!
My Mantra: “May love always affect us, unite us, and win .”