Desire is a tricky, ever-shifting thing, and like a soap bubble can POP, vanishing completely in seconds. Hot roaring flames that seem strong enough to burn down the house can turn into cold ashes, and if there is a partner on the other side of the equation, hurt can easily ensue. While a cooling down after climax is extremely common, sometimes the abruptness can be off-putting for all parties involved.
Today’s column comes courtesy of a reader who is finding the desire destroying effects of climax to be inconvenient and unwelcome. How does one deal with such an abrupt shift in headspace? Are there solutions to this situation? The Dirty Talk Advice Column has answers and science, two things we are big fans of. Let’s get started, shall we?
“I am open to just about anything and am VERY versatile. I like it all…but there is one thing that I can’t figure out and it is really getting in the way. As soon as I climax, I lose all interest and am done with everything. Any desire I have is GONE. All the things that turned me on during the act suddenly become complete turn offs. My work around is to try and make sure that my partner finishes first, but my sudden loss of desire can be a bit of a let down for us both. Do other people experience this? How would I overcome this?”–One And Done
What you are dealing with is actually universal and it is what is known as a refractory period. Everyone experiences them and they are the fourth and final stage of the sexual response cycle. The four stages are:
Once resolution has been achieved, we enter the refractory period, and how long that stage is can vary anywhere from a few seconds to 24 hours or even longer, depending on the person. While we are in the refractory period, our interest in sexy times can throttle down to zero. In your case, this throttling down is hard, abrupt, and unwelcome.
Communication Is Key
There are a few things you can do here, but like with anything regarding the human condition, there are no perfect solutions. The first and most important step is to clearly communicate with partners before the action starts so they are not taken aback. The more we know going in and the better prepared we are, the less jarring things are going to be.
Of course, it’s very easy to say “Use clear communication”. Actually sitting down and saying directly to someone: “Hey the second I climax I am going to have zero desire to do anything else” can feel like a real mood killer. But perhaps not as much of a mood killer as the two of you staring at each other over a puddle of wet while you long for a towel and to get your pants back on? While some people might feel put off by such clear communication, those aren’t the people you want to interact with in the first place. By giving people a chance to know what to expect, everything will go smoother.
You are already taking the steps of making sure that your partner climaxes first and ideally a number of times before you yourself climax and the truth is that there really isn’t much else you can do. Learning how our bodies work is always time well invested and you can certainly take the time to drag out and deny your own climax…you are just wired to want to put your pants back on and move on to something else fairly quickly after coming.
There is nothing wrong with that and you are unlikely to be able to shift your basic wiring in that regard. Your best bet is to forgive yourself, practice clear communication with your partners, and put off your own climax as long as possible. Your letter to me states you are already doing one of the three, now you just need to master the other two.
The stress about your rapid loss of desire, and the guilt/disappointment you feel around that fact are probably going to be tricky to master, but they are not impossible. Writing to me was a good first step, now you need to start working on the others. Best of luck One and Done, you got this! I believe in you.
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
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