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When you’ve said your “I do,” you would possibly assume you’ll be asking in that smooth, breezy newlywed glow for the foreseeable future. However, simply because you’re inside the honeymoon segment doesn’t mean it’s all smooth using. Among the changes that arise while you join lives together can create a few uneven drinks of water, out of your family dynamics for your finance. “nearly all people imagine they’ll be a tremendous partner at some point, but once the earrings are on and the wedding cake turns stale, reality units in — marriage simply isn’t as smooth as we notion,” Marriage and circle of relatives therapist Becky Whetstone told HuffPost. “With the combining of own family, friendships, belongings and cash, pitfalls and booby traps abound.” “Common Fight couples Have during the 1st year Of Marriage.”
We asked dating therapists to percentage the not unusual fights couples generally tend to have during the primary year of Marriage and how to navigate these contentious problems.
Common Fight couples Have during the 1st year Of Marriage
- The “What Happened To Our Sex Life?” Fight
It’s easy for you to overlook the sexual attraction you and your lover experienced at the beginning of your relationship as a given. You might believe maintaining an enticing and sexually intense sex lifestyle will be easy. But the reality is that many couples experience a decline in their sexual lives within their first few years of marriage, stated Kurt Smith, a therapist who is specialized in counseling males.
“It’s not unusual following the wedding that the sexual attraction to slow down and for one or both partners to be unhappy with their relationship,” Smith said. “With this couple, I look at the desires of each partnerand the desires of each. It’s just a matter of starting a conversation that is a huge topic around the subject of sexual sex.”
A declining sex life could result in an emotional and physical distance between couples, especially if one of the partners is making sexual advances that are usually dismissed and the other is embarrassed that they cannot meet their partner’s sexual demands.
If you’ve observed a decrease in your relationship with a sex therapist, be assured that this is normal. But try to talk about these changes earlier rather than later, therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson stated to HuffPost.
“Couples are silently in love,” she said. “They think it’s simpler to have no sexual relations at all, rather than face emotions of hurt and unpredictability of emotions like anger or guilt. In the beginning, intervening before the issue develops into life on its own is crucial.”
- The “When Are We Having A Baby?” Fight
When you’re married, you’ll agree about whether you’d like children (here’s the list of additional important conversations before walking across your aisle). However, you may not have come up with the exact details of when and how you’ll begin your family.
“Whether it’s when they’ll start their own family, the number of they’ll have, or how close they’ll be it is, the topic of having children can be fraught with conflict,” Smith said. “It’s common that one spouse has an ‘the clock is ticking mentality and the other prefers to be an individual before forming parents or has financial or career goals that they wish to achieve first.”
The stress of organizing an event and celebrating it may alter one or both of the couple’s preferred timelines for large choices, like having children or purchasing the house of their dreams, according to therapy for marriage and families Spencer Northey.
“Reeling from the shock of sticker prices of the wedding could cause a delay for one, while another person might desire to speed things along after having conversations with many relatives and friends,” she said. “It could be beneficial to have some time and time away from the wedding and spend your time together for the next few months or a year prior to considering any possible changes in your wedding plans.”
- The “We Need Some Better Boundaries” Fight
Establish healthy boundaries with your friends and family early on to avoid bigger issues down the road.
Suppose it’s friends coming in unannounced at your home and your parents asking you questionable questions about why you’re pregnant, your husband’s inability to decide without consulting with their parents first, and a lack of boundaries with family members. In that case, it can create tension in your relationship.
“One of the biggest problems with young marriages is that we are mature however, we aren’t yet fully entered the adulthood stage,” Whetstone said. “Adults have the ability to establish strong boundaries with family and their friends. They place their spouses and their marriage first. The arguments we witness occur when one spouse is more concerned about what their family members or friends want over their spouse’s wants and needs.”
Maintaining close connections with your family and friends once you’ve got married; consistently prioritizing other people over your spouse is bound to result in conflict within the marriage.
“You need to be aware of your spouse’s desires and needs every day and they should take the same care of them,” Whetstone said. “When it concerns family and friendship boundaries, we’ll help spouses grow and trust their spouse to be their most important person, and not just above all others.”
- The “I’m Sick Of Cleaning Up After You” Fight
Finding out how to divide tasks in the home (like folding the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, preparing meals, and cleaning up after the kids) in a mutually beneficial manner for both spouses is a challenge for newlyweds. However, it is vital to the well-being of the relationship. A Pew Research survey found that 56 percent couples U.S. adults say that sharing household chores is “very crucial” to a successful marriage.
When the majority of the responsibility falls on one person’s shoulders, there can be a build-up of resentment, which can lead to anger, rage, and disputes.
In heterosexual marriages, Women are often the ones who take on the burden of household tasks. However, this isn’t always the scenario, Smith said. In the case of marriages between gay and straight marriages based on gender norms, traditional gender roles might not play as much in the equation; couples still fight over how to keep their home clean.
“It isn’t always about men who leave their dirty underwear and socks on the floor with their bridesmaids needing to clean them up,” Smith said. “Regularly men tell me about how their wives don’t take care of herself like leaving dirty dishes lying on the floor or piles of dirty laundry on the couch. We talk about and agree on cleaning standards. This is crucial to ensure that a standard for the household can be established that everyone can agree to.”
- The “How Do We Split Up The Holidays?” Fight
Navigating through the holiday season in the first year of your marriage as newlyweds can be challenging. No one wants to miss this unique family time or break with traditions you have grown up with; however, some sacrifices need to be made. Then, navigating your family’s displeasure or hurt feelings can be difficult.
“Almost everyone thinks they’ll make a wonderful partner in the future but when the rings are in as the cake for weddings begins to look dull, reality takes over the marriage may not be as simple as we imagined.”
— Becky Whetstone, marriage and family Therapist
“Often couples feel guilty and pressured by their individualfamily members, who advocate to get the couple to select their preferred partner,” Whetstone said.
What would Whetstone advise newlyweds who have to deal with this problem?
“I remind the couple that when they marry they are creating their own family which is the first priority more than the concerns regarding what the families would like,” she said. “If the spouses don’t want to miss their family’s occasion, I suggest that they swap places every year at the family’s home, tossing an old coin, or go at home and make the family’s own traditions.”
- The “What Goes Where” Fight
If you were living together before getting married or never, once the wedding, it is likely that there will be various new tasks to take on. Perhaps it’s about starting house renovations, redecorating your room, or even making room for your belongings (and the plethora of wedding gifts). However, establishing an effective home system could mean a few bumps throughout the process.
“Many couples who take pride on their good relationships might be surprised to find themselves so upset over decor and furniture,” Northey said.
Through her workshops, Northey also encourages couples to think about their most important goals to build a happier family home.
“I recommend couples to move beyond the debate of the aesthetics or functionality of a piece, and instead discuss what their vision and connection to specific items signifies to the couple,” she said. “What is it that makes this object you’ve chosen to keep? Do you have enough of each of you within the room? If each person is valued and heard, it will be more straightforward to figure out the best way to honor the individual’s ideas and possessions to their own home.”
- The “You’re Not Good With Money” Fight
It is notoriously difficult for couples, particularly newlyweds who might just be beginning to merge financial resources, looking to buy their first home or even thinking about having a child.
“While being in a relationship or even if you’ve lived together for a while it’s easy to cover up your finances,” Smith said. “Once married, the majority of couples are able to discover the truth about matters such as the amount of debt their spouse owes them or discover about financial habits that might be contrary to the values they have set for themselves.”
The subject of money may seem to be a matter of practical concern. However, much emotional baggage is entangled in these issues, making them difficult to discuss.
In the sessions he conducts, Smith said he works with couples on “honesty and transparency, as well as expressing thoughts about money before creating a plan for how they can proceed with their new financial lives.”
What do newly married couples fight about?
The One Where You Thought Your Spouse Should “Know You Better”
Your spouse is aware of the way you drink your morning coffee and how the act of rubbing your head can help you sleep. But even though they’re trying to be attentive to your feelings, thoughts, and emotions, the therapist Meygan Caston says they don’t mind readers. This type of conflict usually results from the lack of communication in which you expect your spouse to know what you want instead of communicating your desires. “It’s essential to discuss your concerns in the beginning and frequently before anger and resentment build. There are times when we have unrealistic expectations and unfulfilled expectations that make us unhappy and disappointed since we did not share the expectations on time,” she says. While it may not sound like the most romantic ceremony, Caston recommends having a regular “marriage company meeting” in which you check in on all matters.
The One Where You (Unsuccessfully) Try to Change One Another
If you entered your wedding thinking something you did not like about your spouse would change after you’ve said “I am,” it’s a battle you’ll go through repeatedly. As Caston says that you and your long-term couple aren’t the same, and it’s a beautiful thing. The more you accept your differences, the less likely you are to fight over small things that can resurface in your daily life. “You must learn to let your differences go. Take advantage of each other’s strengths and be able to accept the weaknesses of each other,” she says. “Once you can accept the differences of your partners and differences, you’ll be able to appreciate and respect their differences. That is perhaps the most crucial learning for the first year of your life and beyond.”
The One Where You Think You’re Already a Boring Old Couple
If you notice that you and your partner are spending more time together than you’ve ever done or just falling into routines, Don’t let that stress you. Technology has made things simpler (like being connected during the entire day); however, it could also make you feel disconnected from your spouse when you should be toward them. Caston suggests setting guidelines for your time on screens to ensure your dates aren’t Netflix nights of binge-watching. “Get imaginative with your time with your partner; go out for dinner, go on walks or play a board game or workout. You’ll be both amazed at the amount of time you will have without the distractions that screens can cause to your relationship,” she says.
The One Where You Think You’re Married, So That’s It, Folks!
It’s unnecessary to jingle all the bells and whistles every night during the marriage. However, surprising your spouse with some romance will help you build an intimate relationship. Caston suggests taking that extra step to maintain your passion and interest will lessen your arguments. If you can make your time together an absolute priority and more comfortable, you will know you’ve got a secure place to go when needed.
The One Where You’re Arguing Because You Need Alone Time
When you’re not spending time doing things that make you happy-like, like having meals with your buddies taking a class, reading, or taking advantage of the spa-you are angry with your spouse because you’re not happy with your own. To improve your relationship, be an effort to be a better person. “Read books, attend seminars, work out and make room in your calendar for quiet time to replenish your energy. It’s crucial to try to be more of a partner than you were in the past,” Caston adds.
Is it common to fight in first year of marriage?
In reality, it’s pretty normal to experience rough patches during the initial two years after marriage. However, don’t get too worried. If you can understand some of the challenges and transitions you’ll encounter during your first year of marriage and your partner, you will be able to work together to establish solid foundations for the many years to come.
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