A common narrative is that physical intimacy with others is an effortless thing—we fall into it blissfully and it should be as natural as breathing. It seems simple enough, we lock eyes with someone else, desire sweeps over us, the clothes are cast off and then the magic happens. Bow chicka wow wow. Reality is much messier and alas, more awkward, but reality is where we live.
Today’s column comes courtesy of a reader who is concerned about their partner crying after climax. Is crying after climax something to be worried about? Are they doing something wrong? The common narrative doesn’t cover crying after consensual hooking up, but the Dirty Talk advice column very much does. Let’s unpack, shall we?
“Long time reader, first time writing in. This is kinda awkward, but I really don’t know who else to ask. I am engaged to be married soon and my situation is that my fiancee sometimes cries when she climaxes. Not every time, but it keeps happening. I don’t want to hurt her and am not a sadist. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be concerned?”–No Tears Pls
One of the core principles of the Dirty Talk Advice Column is that communication is the lube that prevents chafing. The more effective your communication with others, the less chafing there will be. In the end, the only person who can truly answer why they are crying is your fiance. The fact that you have written to me as opposed to asking your fiance why they are crying shows me that you need to add some more communication lube into your respective lives.
That being said, I truly do understand why you are reluctant to ask a sobbing partner, who has just had sex with you, why they are crying. However, this is someone you are planning to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Although it may be difficult, this situation should be addressed before moving on to the next stage of your relationship.
There are a number of reasons why someone might cry after climax. It could be a strong emotional release. It could be a letting go of stress. It could be physical pain. It could be past trauma. It could be that the sensations were so strong that crying was the natural response that their brain and body arrived at. But again, only your fiance will be able to tell you the exact reason why.
Choose The Right Time To Address Your Concerns
Post-climax, while the two of you are still laying there wet and soggy in the aftermath, is not going to be the right time to unpack this particular situation. Wait until you are both upright, fully clothed, and dry. When the both of you are in a comfortable space and there is no pressure on your time, ask them: “Hey, I have noticed that sometimes after we are done having sex, you cry. Is there anything I should be aware of? Am I doing something wrong?” It really is as simple as that.
Hopefully, the answer is going to be: “No! Not at all! It just feels so good that sometimes I can’t help crying! Tears are sometimes how I respond to strong stimuli! Thanks for checking in. I really appreciate it.” Hopefully, this is the case. Although, be aware that another possible response could be: “I have past trauma and sometimes I cry after sex.” or “Sometimes sex hurts me.”
Be Prepared For The Post-Climax Crying Being Linked To Past Trauma
I know that unpacking the possibility of past sexual trauma can be too much for some folks. This might be why you wrote to me as opposed to asking your fiance directly. However, this is very much something you want to be aware of before putting a ring on this person’s finger. Otherwise, you are signing up for a lifetime of having someone crying next to you in bed after having sex. Unless one is a sadist, that isn’t going to be particularly pleasant. The fact that you have taken the time to write to me shows that you are not that type of sadist.
If the issue is that they find sex physically painful, encourage them to see a doctor. Sex should not be painful and if it is, a checkup is the way to go. Sometimes people can be reluctant to go to the doctor for a checkup and having a partner encourage them to do so can be very beneficial and just what they need.
Be Open And Receptive To Whatever Your Fiance’s Answer Might Be
Be a safe and receptive space for your fiance to tell you the reason for their tears after physical intimacy. Be prepared and willing to address the fact that the emotions you are seeing are a response to past trauma. Be willing to be their teammate on whatever their recovery journey from past trauma might look like. And hey, maybe the answer is that sex with you is just so good it breaks their brain and leaves them a squishy sobbing puddle of goo.
You will never know until you ask them directly. Best of luck NTP! The more you work on clear and effective communication with your fiance, the better your marriage is going to end up being. I promise.
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
RDG
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