What is the most defining thing about being a man? The root, the base, the foundation? For many men, the answer is a penis that they can reliably count on. Unreliable wood can cause a person life-shaping emotional devastation, depression, and embarrassment. Erectile dysfunction also has a compounding effect; the longer the situation goes untreated, the harder it is to course correct.
The mind and body are connected—intertwined so deeply we can not separate the two. What do you do when your mind and body team up to take away something incredibly important to you? How do you get back something you are sure is lost forever? Today’s column comes from a reader suffering the ED Blues.
“I am a married man that has not had sex in about a decade and has developed Peyronie’s disease and a wicked case of ED. While I have had medical treatment as well as home remedies and seen a shrink, I have ended up with what I feel is an embarrassing penis. Sometimes I get a pathetic erection.
My Dr suggested I try watching porn but the sexual harassment and human trafficking has completely set me off of porn. I can’t watch without thinking it’s some poor person being forced to do it.
I feel like less than a man. I’m so embarrassed about my body and lack of performance. I’m frozen emotionally, sad and mad all at the same time. Help! What do I do?”–Sad And Mad
There is a lot to unpack here SAM, but I want to start off by saying that your pain and shame has gotten to the point that it is obviously affecting other aspects of your life. When the quality of your life as a whole is impacted, the situation needs to be addressed. Thank you so much for reaching out! There ARE solutions and I can help you. Yes, it will take a while and requires patience with yourself, but it is possible.
Peyronie’s Disease or penile fibrosis is fibrous scar tissue inside the penis that causes erectile dysfunction, curved painful erections, and sometimes shortening of the penis. The sooner you seek treatment, the better your chances are to improve your condition. Based on the fact that your current situation has been going on for a decade now, I don’t know what your timeline is in terms of treatment, but you have to advocate for yourself fiercely. If you aren’t getting the results you need, switch doctors. Demand focused treatment. Unfortunately, our medical system means we often have to fight hard to get proper effective treatment.
Your Erectile Dysfunction Is Both Physical And Mental
In your case, the medical and physical effects of erectile dysfunction are magnified by the psychological aspect. When they combine, they can compound into what feels like an untreatable, soul-crushing situation. The longer the situation goes on, the deeper the belief becomes that it isn’t fixable until you are fighting a battle against yourself and losing every time.
While it sounds like you did the right steps—medical treatment, home remedies, and seeking treatment, based on the situation you currently find yourself in, they obviously were not the right treatment and/or they were not done long enough. Because the right treatment for you hasn’t happened yet, you have found yourself in a swamp of shame and embarrassment that is significantly affecting your mental health.
What Started As A Case Of Peyronie’s Disease Has Spiraled Into Something Much Larger
While there is undoubtedly a physical aspect to the situation you currently find yourself in, the far more significant factor is mental. The words you use to describe yourself, “embarrassing” “pathetic” “less than a man” “frozen”, are all screams of suffering. What started out as a case of Peyronie’s Disease has spiraled into something much bigger. At this point, even if you had all medical aspects addressed, the decade of distress and shame would still have to be resolved—they are obviously a very heavy weight indeed.
Resolving them isn’t optional SAM. It’s mandatory. You have gotten to a state where your entire quality of life is being significantly affected. You say that you sought treatment…go BACK. Do it again, do it longer, do it with someone else. You can still get erections and have already been given the suggestion to watch porn as a treatment, which you are struggling with. If that isn’t a course of treatment that you want to explore, find one that does.
Porn Might Be Beneficial For Your Erectile Dysfunction
There is a reason porn was suggested by your doctor. It is a tool to retrain your brain away from the anxiety it has formed around your sexuality. Obviously, you have some deep-rooted ethical dilemmas around pornography. You have dismissed ALL porn, even if watching it might help you, out of fear of contributing to sex trafficking. I appreciate your concern but your worries are unfounded. Take some time to reexamine your resistance to porn as it may prove beneficial for rediscovering your sexuality.
If I can set your mind at ease, from my first-hand experience, porn is not as you imagine it to be. There is no sexual harassment, no trafficking, and nobody is being forced to do it. Horror stories such as sex trafficking make for compelling headlines but have little bearing on reality.
You Can Purchase Ethical Porn
If it will make you feel better you can always purchase porn directly from the individuals creating it. There is an endless number of sex-positive content creators on OnlyFans or Clips4Sale. These people love what they do and you can feel good about putting money directly in their pockets.
The core of your situation is a deep shame and embarrassment that affects every aspect of your life. You need to seek treatment and once all medical factors are ruled out, you need to address the emotional and mental aspects. The essence of a man is not a working erection. Bodies simply aren’t that reliable. And there is SO much more in the buffet of sexuality than just hard dicks. Once you have retrained your brain to stop associating so much value to an erection, your entire life will change. Reaching out to me was a good step, please follow up with a therapist that effectively works for you.
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
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