Many of us invest a lot of time in denying our deeper desires. We cling to a socially “acceptable” mask, hiding who we truly are out of fear of judgment. We can spend a lifetime pretending to be a fake version of ourselves in the hopes of being accepted by those around us.
But sometimes, just sometimes, people give themselves permission to be their honest and authentic selves. Taking that step is both thrilling and nerve-wracking. Unfortunately, in that initial eagerness, things can easily go sideways. After a lifetime of denial, first-time explorations can turn into reckless feasting without caution. This phenomenon is so common it even has a name: sub frenzy.
How does one start exploring their darkest desires in a safe and sane manner without tumbling into sub frenzy? What should a newbie be on the lookout for? What should they avoid? The Dirty Talk Advice Column has the answers!
“As a total newbie male sub, I’m finally giving myself permission to go for it. This is something I have been dreaming of for years now and I am ready to try. I’m really curious to test my body and find my limits. My question for you is should I go step by step or give total freedom to my Dom for her to do whatever she wants?”–Ready Eager And Desirous Yearing
A huge congratulations READY! Congratulations on giving yourself permission to finally start exploring your submissive desires. Not everyone gifts themselves such an opportunity. So many of us are scared of judgment or rejection that we are never truly honest about who we are or how we are wired. The fact that you are ready to go on this journey is huge.
Don’t Let Your Desires Lead You Into A Minefield
You are also never more vulnerable than you are at this exact moment. You are full of wide-eyed eagerness and desires having never run into a single landmine or bad experience. Landmines are what the kink community calls a triggering experience, be it a word, experience, or implement that elicits a negative response. As opposed to “Oh sexy!”, it is instead “Oh scary!”. The tricky thing about landmines? We usually don’t see them until they have already exploded.
Right now you don’t know what your limits are. You have never had a bad scene. You’ve never had anything go wrong. You’ve never woken up the next day after the dopamine and adrenaline have dissipated and realized something actually didn’t work out for you. Post-scene regrets do happen, and they happen more than you might think.
From your vantage point, all you can see is a world of glorious promise. There doesn’t appear to be a single landmine in sight. What could possibly go wrong? All you need to do is find the Dominant woman of your dreams, entrust your mind and body to her and let her do whatever she wants, molding you into the submissive of her dreams. What could possibly go wrong?
Never Give A Dominant Total Freedom
Many things could go wrong READY. The urge to give a Dominant “total freedom” is frenzy talking. While frenzy primarily affects first-timers who are so hungry to explore the lifestyle that they can’t think clearly, it can also affect people who are already active members. The part of the brain that is craving dopamine and adrenaline yells so loudly that it drowns out common sense, and before one knows it….boom! Landmine! We are left shaken and singed, our ears ringing and our eyes blurry.
Under no circumstances should one ever give a Dominant “total freedom”. Even collared, branded 24/7 TPE slaves had some sort of negotiation, some discussion of expectations and limits. They didn’t just trip into a collar and slave tattoo. There are a fair amount of steps that have to happen before you get to that position.
Sorry To Burst Your Bubble
I understand this takes some of the sexy away—how hot is the idea of giving complete control? Super hot. The hottest. Of course. That’s where the submissive brain yearns to go. It is hard work to not go all in on your desires. You dream of a Dom that would be able to take the gift of total control and everything would be bliss and bondage and ballgags forever.
In reality, the right Dominant will negotiate and listen, communicate and course correct. This is a mutual journey the both of you are going on. The fantasy of turning over full control can be explored, but it should be exactly that—a fantasy and nothing more than that. Sorry if this is cold water on the hot fires of your fantasy. It can be extremely hard not to want to jump into the deep end of the pool after a lifetime of desiring to get wet. Don’t do it! Baby steps on the shallow end while you acclimate yourself to the temperature of the water are always the way to go. I promise this for a fact.
Best of luck READY and I hope you find every dopamine treasure you have been dreaming of! Slow and steady wins the race.
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
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