Getting a man to commit can feel like an uphill battle for many women, but it really doesn’t have to be.
You can reduce the stress you feel around getting him to commit by:
- Leading with your understanding; and
- Learning what men perceive as valuable in a woman.
Besides learning how to get him to commit, it’s ideal if we explore how to get him to want to commit, because if your man genuinely wants to commit to you, that will always feel better and more authentic to you.
The last thing you want is to get a man to commit out of obligation (or worse, because he seemingly doesn’t have any better options around).
So what, if anything, can you do to get him to commit?
Let’s explore that right now.
#1: Be The One And Only
The first step in getting a man to commit is to be the one and only.
And I’ve included this step first because this is a kind of “make or break” step for your relationship with a man.
If you’re not the one and only, then you’ll always feel like you’re not receiving enough from him, because the only other category you can be in with a man is the “one of many”.
Yes, even if you’ve been together for 10 years, you can still be the “one of many” woman.
What is the “one and only” versus the “one of many”?
These two categories refer to how men see the women they date, based on their two reproductive strategies.
You’re either his one and only woman, which means you will receive everything from him (and he will want to take care of you and keep you in his life forever), or you will be one of many.
If you’re one of many, it means his commitment level will always feel like it falls short of what you need and want.
This is because men tend to give the women in their “one of many” basket crumbs.
Basically, if you’re the one of many, he’ll do the absolute bare minimum to keep you happy, just to keep you around.
Sounds harsh, but I’m sure it also sounds familiar to you, doesn’t it?
Even if you haven’t experienced what it’s like to be in the “one of many” category, I’m sure plenty of your women friends have.
It’s not a nice basket to be placed in, at least not for the woman who needs a full emotional commitment from a man, deep down.
So if you want to know how to get him to want to commit, the answer is: be the one and only.
When you’re the one and only, commitment becomes easy.
He may still take a while to put a ring on your finger (and I’ll explain why in the third step), but you will know for sure that you’re his “one”.
If you want to know how to become the one and only (and never be placed in the “one of many” basket again), I teach you the exact steps on how to do that in my popular program “Becoming His One and Only”.
(The promise of the course “Becoming His One And Only” is for you to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)
#2: High Value Vulnerability
Here’s the truth that’s hard for women to hear:
If you’re not vulnerable, men won’t commit to you emotionally.
If you’re not vulnerable, there’s virtually no reason for him to want to commit.
Men might still commit on the surface, they might even still marry you, but marriage isn’t the indicator of true commitment.
Plenty of men commit out of obligation and out of pressure from the people around them every day.
And this might make the woman happy (enough), but it will be a lacklustre relationship because of the lack of depth.
Not only that, but there’s not going to be as much value for him as a man in the relationship.
A man won’t fall in love and cherish you the way he would with a woman who exhibits high value vulnerability.
This is why women who insist on their “capability” and independence from a man have a hard time getting any man to fall in love with them or want to commit to them emotionally.
I’m not saying you have to be weak. I’m saying don’t resist your vulnerabilities.
So if you want to know how to get him to commit, the truth is you need to embody what we call high value vulnerability.
But what’s high value vulnerability?
Well, first let’s talk about what it’s not.
It’s not telling him you love him (even though you feel like you’re vulnerable when you say this).
It’s not you praising his skills.
It’s not helping him find new contacts to help him succeed in his business.
It’s you being vulnerable in a way that men perceive as high value.
Here’s the bottom line:
A lot of the time as a woman you may feel vulnerable inside, but men may not perceive that you are vulnerable at all.
So this one thing (high value vulnerability) is how men are actually able to see, hear and feel your vulnerability.
And when they see it in you, they’ll:
- Become fascinated by you
- They will trust you more; and
- They will make you the centre of their world, because you become something precious that a man wants to hold onto
So if you’d like to learn more about high value vulnerability, CLICK HERE to LEARN about the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.
#3: Make Him Understand Your Need For His Commitment
If you really want your man to commit to you more, it’s imperative that you make him understand your need for commitment, because a lot of men don’t understand it.
You may think, well, of course men understand it. Plenty of men commit and get married every day.
But that’s not always the case.
As we’ve established, a lot of men get married for the wrong reasons.
But if you really are in a hurry to get him to commit, either because you want to have children or you’ve spent so long with him that you feel you deserve the commitment, then make him understand.
Making him understand is a skill that comes first through you understanding that he is a masculine soul and doesn’t understand your feminine needs.
Most men are perfectly fine living life alone – as in, they prefer to have someone, but they don’t feel vulnerable living life alone and single like a woman would.
They also don’t have to worry about how old they are, because the male reproductive timeline is so different from a woman’s.
Additionally, they don’t generally have to worry about people judging them for not being in a relationship (and nor would they care if people did just them).
Because men aren’t judged on their relationship status as much as they are on their skills, strength and status in life.
Never mind being judged if you’re a woman, though, because the most important factor here is not that you’re judged on your relationship “status”as a woman.
People will judge you no matter what you do.
Rather, the most important factor is that as a feminine soul, you truly do need a commitment.
You thrive this way.
You feel loved, cherished, beautiful and safer to let go and be vulnerable this way.
The most important thing is that we all know intuitively that women need emotional commitment from a man for their femininity to shine, and for them to be able to successfully raise children into adulthood.
As much as some very loud and indignant people will tell you that women shouldn’t be seen as needing commitment, they damn well do.
Good, masculine men bring so many resources to a woman’s life.
And to pretend you don’t need such a commitment is the biggest form of self sabotage for a woman, (sometimes fuelled by the opinions of people who never truly cared about you).
Women need commitment as well as strong family and relationships in order to maximise their in built biological advantages that they inherited from birth, which are:
- Conceiving, bearing and raising children
- Being attuned to other people
- Developing powerful social groups that act as a wall of protection from outsiders
- Nurturing all people in their tribe
- Embodying feminine energy and experiencing pleasure
- Having access to enough calories so that her body can actually ovulate
- Helping her husband out where she can; and
- Relaxing enough to have sex and reproduce
So in terms of how to get him to commit, make him understand your need for commitment by letting him know how important it is for you.
List down all the reasons it’s actually important to you, and then:
- Internalise them
- Connect with them; and
- Feel them in the deepest part of your soul
Let yourself be vulnerable and surrender to your ache for his emotional commitment, because at the end of the day, his commitment makes you feel safe.
It’s ok to admit that.
It’s ok to need a man.
And it’s ok to let him know that you need him, not because you’d “nothing” without him, but because you’re a feminine woman who thrives when she’s got full access to his heart, soul, and wallet.
But also not really jokes because money is a tool that’s important for some things.
It’s by no means the most important thing in your relationship with a man, but you can’t survive without it and you can’t feed your kids without it.
Unless you rely on the government. But that’s a whole other conversation entirely.
On the topic of money and men, perhaps you’d find these articles of relevance to your love life:
Oh, and about that thing I said I’d explain further in this point…
I said that if you’re a man’s one and only, he might still take a while to put a ring on your finger.
The reason is because all men still have commitment resistance, even if they’ve met their one and only.
It’s just that if you’re a man’s one and only, he will feel less commitment resistance.
The process of commitment becomes so much easier. In some cases so easy that the woman never has to wonder how to get him to commit.
#4: Understand What Drives the Commitment Process
Attraction and connection are the two things that drive the commitment process.
So what you need to do to make him want to commit to you, is ensure that you focus on building these two things.
We as women lose sight of these two things, especially when we feel our clock ticking.
(Why on earth do I need to build attraction and connect?? I just need marriage and a baby, thanks!!)
But you need to build attraction and connection because men see and feel value in these two things.
Attraction and connection are the basis upon which any high value relationship is built.
Without these two things, you have nothing but a shell of a relationship.
What is connection?
It’s that emotional and spiritual bond you develop with a man that can never be replicated, because it’s built on mutual vulnerability and time invested in each other.
What is attraction? Well, for a committed relationship you need emotional attraction specifically, and it’s that internal “pull” that you feel towards each other due to having developed a pair bond.
If you’d like to learn how to build emotional connection and emotional attraction, read my article on how to build emotional connection with a man, as well as my article on how to build emotional attraction.
Furthermore, my husband and I have created a month-long course together on how to get your man to commit to you – forever.
The promise of this premium course is for you to experience the freedom and joy of going from “not knowing where your relationship is going”, to a deeply committed life long relationship without any resistance, withdrawal or heartache…
#5: Build Trust.
How to get him to commit?
Ensure that he trusts you.
It’s not all about you trusting him – he needs to know that he can trust you too.
And if you’ve had some rocky times in your relationship or you’ve betrayed him before, you may have some significant work to do emotionally to get things back on track.
But it’s not just about him trusting you not to cheat on him (though that’s definitely a part of it).
He also needs to understand that you’re not going to take too much value long term.
This is about net value – in other words, how much you take versus how much you give.
This seems so rudimentary, so simple, but many women are constantly taking value without even meaning to, and without being aware of it.
See, you’re dealing with a man here.
Your bias as a woman is to take as much value as you can to feel secure.
(And if you’re like some women out there, you’ll feel entitled.)
You may even try to strip him of value in order to compete with all the other women out there.
All of that value taking comes at a price.
So contrary to popular assumption, you can’t just look pretty and assume your job is done as a woman.
There are plenty of pretty women who are single out there.
It’s lots of fun to look pretty, but at the end of the day, you’re in a relationship with a human, so you also have to take responsibility for the relationship itself!
So here’s how to ensure you’re not taking more value than you give:
- Understand his experience of the world as a masculine man
- See how and why he would fear (or resist) committing to you
- Reaffirm his thoughts and concerns to him
- Be loyal
- Don’t come from a place of entitlement (you’re entitled to nothing from him. Nothing.)
He doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t owe him anything. Ok?
This is an adult relationship you have here, and so your job (and his) is to build the value, offer value and honour each other.
This is how you build trust, and I recommend you take it seriously.
Because when a GOOD man commits to you, chances are he’s going to take his responsibility to you very seriously (as most good men do).
So ideally you would offer him complete loyalty and willingness to at least try to trust him in return.
Of course, you don’t want to do it blindly – it’d be silly to commit to a man who has no chance of committing to you in the future.
So here’s what I recommend you do.
Find out how commitment friendly your man actually is using our free quiz:
One Mistake To Avoid When Getting A Man To Commit
The biggest mistake you must avoid as a woman is to give your man an ultimatum.
What is an ultimatum?
An ultimatum is defined as:
“A final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations.”
Though I can understand why some women resort to giving ultimatums to get a commitment, don’t do it.
Vent your frustration to your friends and family, but don’t give your man an ultimatum.
It’s a very short-term strategy that comes with horrible long term costs.
In fact, it’s never going to work on an intelligent man. They know what’s up, so don’t take such a silly risk in your relationship.
And you might live to regret giving the ultimatum when you see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes looking back at you, knowing you caused that through your disloyalty.
It’s not good for your sense of self esteem to have to stoop that low and worse, it damages your relationship.
Giving an ultimatum will:
- Erode any trust you’ve built up over time
- Make him feel like you’re threatening the relationship
- Make you look disloyal
- Make it seem like you don’t care about his feelings and what he has to go through
- Make you look desperate; and
- Prove that you’re only there for what you can get
This is not a war.
And it’s not your job to go to war with your man to get a commitment.
Commitment needs to come from deep romantic love and his true desire to give you that.
It’s your job to inspire it – because no matter how upset you are over his lack of commitment, forcing a commitment out of a man will always make you feel worse later on.
By the way, to introduce a positive note into this discussion, I wanted to tell you that despite what most women think, men actually love to commit (secretly).
If it seems like getting a commitment takes a lot of work, you’re right.
It does, but once you have the right beliefs, being the kind of woman men commit to becomes natural, not laborious.
It becomes a natural part of how you operate, and you’ll feel secure knowing that you earned your man’s commitment.
It’s not classy to force a man to commit, and forcing him to commit feels intuitive (and as a woman I understand trying to pressure a man to commit), but it’s not the high value way.
So take the above steps into consideration, use them and see how you go.
For your interest, it may help to know that we’ve helped thousands of women get the commitment they wish for over the last 13 years, and we’re very proud of our work.
We’re able to help others get there because David and I have been through it.
I’ve been through the stage of wanting to become engaged and get married, and feeling like I waited too long to get to that step.
I know what it’s like to encounter commitment resistance, despite the fact that I was the one and only.
Everything I teach is based on real experience, observation and testing.
So I hope you find value in what I’ve said and that it enriches your love life.
Go ahead, try out the steps and enjoy your relationship with your man – that’s the most important thing.
If you have any thoughts, comments or suggestions, feel free to comment below, I always read my blog comments.
CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take for a man to commit?
If a man sees you as his one and only, his emotional commitment will become apparent within the first 3-6 months of the relationship.
It shouldn’t take longer than that.
But if you’re talking about external signs of commitment such as engagement or marriage, that varies and it depends on the following factors:
- How much money a man has
- How successful he feels he is and if he feels like he has achieved all that he wanted to before getting married
- How capable he feels to provide for you
- Whether he has a secure or insecure attachment style
- How much value you offer him
- His subconscious and conscious beliefs around getting engaged or married
- How much he understands and perceives that it’s important to you
Each man will offer you marriage in his own time. Some men get married to a woman 6 weeks after meeting her.
Some men take 16 years.
What do you do when your boyfriend won’t commit?
Understand the reasons why he won’t commit.
There’s definitely a reason why, and you will be able to find out what that reason is if you’re attuned and if you care about him enough to find out.
When you know the reason why, then you can either:
- Add enough value that he overcomes his commitment resistance; or
- Walk away because you’re not his “one and only” woman and you have to accept that he’ll only every give you the bare minimum
Can you get him to commit by pulling away?
By pulling away you can get him to commit to being worried about losing you perhaps.
Which is really a last resort way to get him to commit, and it can come with the cost of damaging your relationship.
Consider that you’ll only get him to commit by pulling away if he somehow begins to perceive how much his commitment truly means to you deep down inside.
(This is where you come in – it needs to be you to make him understand why you need his commitment. Otherwise he won’t have any motivation to commit.)
Once a man understands that his commitment makes you feel safe, loved, cherished and happy to offer him the value that he wants, the easier it becomes for him to commit to you.
If you want to understand what pulling away from a man can do for you and how to do it the high value way, read my article: How to Pull Away to Make Him Want You In 5 Fail Proof Steps.
How to make a man commit in a long distance relationship?
Unless you have a rich and romantic history with a man, asking him to commit in a long distance relationship is really a lot to ask of a man.
You have to take a look at what your relationship offers him and yourself.
If you just want him to commit because you don’t like that he has all this freedom or you just want to not lose him, these aren’t good reasons for asking for him to commit.
If on the other hand he truly wants you too, then do your best to build and maintain the emotional attraction and emotional connection through all the communication mediums available to you:
- Social media
- Online gaming
- Voice messaging
- Phone calls; and
- Video calls
How to get a guy to commit after sleeping with him?
Don’t offer him sex and see if he will still stick around.
Instead, offer him emotional connection and see if he values the connection enough to still be with you.
If he doesn’t, then your only option is to test him as a last resort to find out if there’s any reason left to pursue a relationship with him.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.