From a Betrayed Partner with an SSA + IA Spouse
Q: How do I really know my husband has the right therapist and if it is actually going to help or prepare him to tackle his triggers and weakness. I’m afraid he is just shit playing this to play the victim as he has always done for almost 11 years of marriage. He played the role of a quiet, simple and Christian guy. I found out 2 weeks ago he had a porn addiction of 20 years. We have been married for almost 11 years.
Savvy Answers:
If you don’t see progress in 3 months get a new therapist. Don’t waste time or money on a therapist who has been played by your spouse or a therapist who isn’t specialized in sexual addiction.
Religion plays an interesting role in recovery. Often Christian addicts have a lot of religious hang ups in terms of their behavior as it goes against the Bible. That can be processed in therapy.
One thing you must watch out for – Don’t Let Him Play The “God Will Save Me Card.”
Religion can bring peace, meditation, prayer, and reflection to recovery, but unless your spouse does the work, nothing will change.
Prayer can be a great motivator to take action, but Prayer doesn’t replace action taking.
When you are clean from pornography and pornography substitutes (social media, sexual movies, nudity, anything that evokes sexual arousal), your brain can heal and you really should see the progress between 3-6 months of being clean. If not, the therapist has been duped, the therapist is not knowledgeable in this area, or your husband is not doing the work and may be still secretly using it.
Each time he relapses and slips his brain goes back to day 0 and needs to build back the new wiring he is trying to do to overrun the old wiring.
Too many addicts will go to endless 12-step meetings, see a therapist week after week and years down the line they are still in active addiction because they were White Knuckling (or checking a box and not really invested hoping you would get off their back if they just did the meetings).
At The Modern Mr. and Mrs., our clients see progress within one month of working with us because we get to the root, we give skills, and opportunities to recover from day one, and we know our stuff and smell the bullshit from a mile away and are not afraid of pointing out the inconsistencies.
You want to make sure the professional isn’t just going along, taking money, and not really interested in the client getting better to make a buck off of them (it does happen), or worse not challenging them to grow.
We as professionals have a job to do. We are not our clients’ friends, and we need to be able to point out inconsistencies, challenge, and help our clients grow. So many clients will hate their professional when confronted in the moment but be so thankful as they realized they needed someone to point out the bullshit.
Also, you checked off Intimacy Anorexia, there are 19 therapists and 12 coaches in the USA certified in Intimacy Anorexia.
Less than 35 people.
Intimacy Anorexia is a huge issue and more people need to be trained in it. (This is where the benefit of online help comes in handy!)
I am currently in my AASATS for sexual addiction, partners recovery, and intimacy anorexia and I don’t know how many others are currently going through certification or supervision for it as a therapist or as a coach, but this is a very specialized issue and your garden variety therapist or coach will have no idea how to handle this issue, unless they’ve had the training or currently are in the training.
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