The validating reward of providing pleasure to others feels really good. Although, it can also come with a lot of pressure when performance anxiety arises. Unfortunately, pressure and pleasure rarely go hand in hand, unless you are a latex fetishist hanging out in a vacuum bed. When you approach an encounter with a partner determined to get a very specific result out of it, you actually lower the chances of getting the result you seek.
Today’s column comes courtesy of a reader who is certain that their partner is faking orgasms and is seeking tips on how to tell. What are the giveaways of someone faking it? How do you crack the code of a faker? The Dirty Talk Advice Column has answers…but you might not like them. You were warned. Let’s do this.
“I am having a lot of anxiety, and I figured you would be the person to ask. I am pretty sure that my partner is faking it with me. She swears she is not, but I don’t believe her. What are the “tells” so that I can know for sure? It is really eating away at my confidence. I just need to know one way or the other. Please tell me what I should be looking for!”–No Faking Please
The anxiety is obvious NFP, it is radiating off your words. Anxiety is a toxic fog that contaminates everything it touches. It never makes things better, it only makes things worse. The longer that anxiety looms unchecked, the harder it is to get on top of. Eventually, it can grow so big it can destroy you.
Stop Looking For Signs Of Faking It And Start Looking For The Root Of Your Anxiety
In your case, you have come to the conclusion that your partner is not being honest with you and is faking her orgasms. Only you can know why you have reached this conclusion, but what I do know is that this conclusion is distressing enough for you that you felt the need to write me.
Perhaps a partner in your past, when things went sideways, flung in your face that they had faked with you? Maybe you have heard that people can fake and have decided it could be happening to you? Whatever the root cause, anxiety and uncertainty are the outcomes—and these are never good outcomes.
There Is No Proven Formula To Detect A Faker
There is no guaranteed specific way to know whether or not someone is faking an orgasm. Sure, some might claim that faked shakes and convulsions come across as different than genuine ones, that real orgasmic muscle spasms feel differently than contrived ones, but…there isn’t a reliable formula I can give you in that regard.
The reliable formula that I can give you is to TALK to your partner. I don’t mean an interrogation where you grill them on their honesty, scanning for deception. I mean open and honest communication. “Does that feel good? Do you like this? What is your favorite? What do you not like?” Do not pepper them with an endless list of questions, pace yourself and read the room.
You Won’t Have To Worry About Her Faking It If You Take The Goal Of Orgasms Off The Table
The more comfortable someone feels, the more relaxed and honest they can be. The more relaxed and honest someone is, the greater their chance of actually reaching orgasm. Trust me, when someone is looming over you anxiously scanning you for faked orgasm tells, it vastly increases the chances of faked orgasms. The anxiety you are projecting can be off-putting enough to drive away actual orgasms and you end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ironically enough, when you take the pressure of orgasms off the table and do not make them an end goal that has to be achieved, you increase your chances of achieving them. Rather than trying to Sherlock Holmes your partner’s body language for signs of deception, just enjoy the journey. You don’t need to reach a specific destination. The scenery is great, the atmosphere is delightful, rock the hell out of that journey! In doing so, you will find yourself much more reliably reaching Orgasmland. I promise.
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
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