Tuesday, January 23, 2024

How to Trigger a Man’s Hero Instinct


Men are highly motivated to make their wives happy.

Notice I didn’t say “some men” or “most men,” but just “men.” That’s because in my research where I asked thousands of men how important it is that their wife is happy, they ALL said the same thing.

That “It’s the most important thing,” “Everything,” “It’s of utmost importance,” or in the UK, they said “It’s imperative.”

In other words, they all wanted to feel like their wife’s hero.

You might even think, like I did, that your man is one of those rare men who doesn’t have a hero instinct. A lot of our students thought that too, but I’m happy to say we were all wrong.

If you were raised like I was to be independent so you don’t need a hero because you can do everything for yourself, then you might be unwittingly sabotaging your man’s opportunities to be your hero.

Here are 5 ways to trigger his hero gene:

1. Expect the Best from Him

Trust your husband

All heroes have their kryptonite, and questioning your man’s competence because you’re afraid he’s going to make a mistake is one sure way to make him weak.

Phrases like “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” or even “Be careful!” are expecting the worst and making his superpowers fade.

Showing that you trust him and think he’s smart? That will turbocharge his hero instinct. If he thinks he can fix the plumbing, triggering his hero instinct would be saying “You’re so good at fixing things,” not “What if you make it worse?”

2. Be Receptive

receive from your husband

If your hero offers you his jacket when it’s cold or wants to buy you an expensive gift or carry you through the part of the hike where there are prickers and you say “That’s okay—I’m fine,” you just threw cold water on his hero instinct.

Last Saturday John was staying with his brother who just had surgery, but he wanted to get up early and come home to make my tea for me as usual. I was tempted to say he didn’t have to, but instead I received and he got to be my hero that morning, and I got to feel like a Disney princess.

3. Let Him Solve Your Problems

Ask your husband for help

Another way to trigger your man’s hero instinct is to ask to borrow his brain to solve your problems. Your problem might be that the morning routine with kids before school and work is too stressful to handle by yourself.

Or it could be that you have a challenge at work you don’t know how to solve.

Sure you could power through, suck it up and just figure it all out yourself, without triggering his hero instinct, but then you’d both miss out on the chance to feel good—him by being your hero and you by getting the support you need, like all humans do.

4. Give Up Your Guilt

Accept help from your husband

If you’re feeling too guilty to let your hero take care of the kids while you sleep late even though he’s offering, you’re crushing his hero instinct.

Whether you think it costs too much or you should be able to handle things yourself, having him show up as your hero can be uncomfortable if you feel undeserving.

Triggering his hero instinct is about pushing through the guilt to the part where you’re pampered beyond reason.

5. Express Your Desires in a Way that Inspires Him

Know what you desire in life

Finally, one of the most effective ways to trigger your husband’s hero instinct is to tell him what you would love by describing a final outcome, not how it happens or who does it.

In order to express your desires, you have to know what you desire.

For example, I said, “I would love to have all these July 4th decorations I ordered put up on our house.” And John put up Independence Day bunting, banners, and swag because he knew it would make me happy.

And it does! It looks so cute!

It’s hard to say who gets more enjoyment out of the deal because we both get what we want. I get to have a hero and he gets to be one.

Now that you know all five, what’s one way you can let your man be your hero today?

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

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