From a Betrayed Partner with an SSA Spouse:
Q: A year after discovering my husbands addiction I have started to get extremely uncomfortable during sex and foreplay, to the point of asking him to stop. Is this normal?
This question gives me reason to ask more questions back as there could be multiple reasons for this, which would answer whether it’s normal or not.
If your husband got an individual therapist, jumped wholeheartedly into recovery, and was able to reconnect emotionally with you, show remorse, and build trust back, and has been clean (no masturbation, porn, sex outside marriage, ogling, or porn substitutes- yes that means social media) then I would want to know whether you did your recovery work as well?
- Is there something that is really triggering to you because it reminds you of what he watched?
- Is he becoming distant during sex, forcing, or pushing?
- Is he using you as a masturbatory aid?
Things can linger, and there might be things every once in a while that might pop up as you get to the next stage of recovery.
However, the fact that you are getting so uncomfortable that you have to ask him to stop… that says something deeper is at play.
- Did something change recently?
- Are you feeling more self-conscious?
- What has triggered the discomfort?
- Or… did your husband never get a recovery team and jump in whole heartedly and he isn’t clean/sober?
- Or did he recently relapse (and maybe you’re picking up on it with your intuition)?
Most often when you and your partner get a good recovery team going (doctor, therapist, coach, etc.) between the team you can work through pretty much all the triggers and obstacles and get to a connected, healthy marriage (when you both put in 100%).
So without context, it honestly depends. If you would like to address this on a deeper, private, and personal level, I do have some spots open for private coaching if you’re interested in getting help!
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