Vanilla is all well and good if that is how you are wired. However, if you are in a vanilla situation but know for a fact that your wiring is anything but vanilla, your mind can wander to the fantasy of making your situation more…spicy. If your palette craves something sharper and eye-watering, it is understandable to want to introduce a bit of wasabi into the meal.
How do you get your partner on board with starting to explore the spice cabinet with you? Is there a way to train a person and guide them into deeper waters? How does one mold their vanilla partner into the submissive of their dreams? Today’s column comes courtesy of a reader who wants to do a relationship reboot and is seeking some tips. Ready the wasabi and let’s dive in!
“I am a kinky person in a vanilla relationship and I have a very important question: How do you train a vanilla woman to become a submissive? Can you train someone to become submissive or is this just something they are born with? If there is any way to train my woman, I would love to know!”–Converting Vanillas
Can you “train” a vanilla woman to become submissive?
No. Not possible. End of story.
But that would make for an extremely short advice column, so let me expand on this a bit more.
You’re Not The First To Dream About Converting A Vanilla
You’re certainly not the first kinky person to find themselves in a vanilla relationship and wonder if they could turn their partner into a fellow kinkster. Not by a long shot. Your predicament is common enough that people have indeed written articles with training tips about how to stealth train vanilla partners into submissives. Usually, these articles will end with a case study explaining how they successfully converted a vanilla using these tips. Sometimes the authors claim their techniques are so effective that they’ve successfully used them on multiple people.
Conditioning responses and habit reinforcement are part of the techniques suggested, but I am not going to elaborate on that. If you wanted to find articles about how to stealth condition someone, they are certainly out there to be found.
I have no doubt that the people writing these articles have, in their minds, successfully trained and conditioned their vanilla partner to transform into a submissive woman. That isn’t what happened. They were in a relationship with someone that already had submissive desires and rather than sit down and have an honest and frank conversation, they employed “stealth” techniques and then were delighted when they “converted” a vanilla.
Communication Is So Much Faster Than Covert Vanilla Training
Some of these suggested conditioning responses can take months, if not years. It would be so much easier to sit down with your partner and use clear communication. “Hey, I would like to explore some kinky things with you. Are you interested?” is a thirty-second conversation and much more effective than months spent in a covert training operation.
Of course, the risk of a clear and direct thirty-second conversation is that your partner could say “Hell no” and you have to deal with the sting of rejection. Being honest about one’s intimate desires means being vulnerable, and many people find it very scary to be vulnerable. It can feel somehow easier to deploy months of stealthy mind training and hope that you successfully reshape your partner into the submissive of your dreams than have a direct conversation with them.
Now, I don’t know if you are wondering about how to possibly stealth train a partner or if your question is about having a direct conversation with your vanilla partner and you are just wondering if conversion is possible but I would be remiss if I didn’t address the consent issue that stealth training vanillas brings up. Trying to secretly “encourage” a vanilla partner to become kinky is a huge consent violation. One is attempting to rewire someone else to make them more to your sexual liking. Without clear consent from them, such actions are deeply out of line and violating.
Be Upfront About Your Kinky Wiring
The way I avoid being in your situation is to never date vanillas. First date, right out the gate, I am clear about my desires, wiring, and predilections. This is because I respect both of our respective time. Time is the most valuable commodity in the world and where you choose to invest it counts for everything. You do not get back poorly invested time. If someone is not a match for me, I prefer to find out immediately. This frees us both up to find someone we are better suited for.
The advantage I have is that I already know that I am kinky, which puts me in the position to be clear about who I am. Perhaps this is a long-term relationship and when you first got into it you didn’t know that you were kinky? We are in an endless process of discovering ourselves after all. However, this leaves you fewer options on the table.
Let’s Look At Your Options
Your options are:
- Have an honest and clear conversation with your partner, telling them that you would like to explore kink with them (best option)
- Secretly try to train her into a submissive. This will only work if they already have submissive wiring to begin with and you don’t mind the lack of consent.
If, after proposing some kink exploration, your partner shut you down and says they are not interested, your new options are:
- Accept their “no” and remain in a relationship that isn’t meeting all of your needs
- Open up the relationship and get those needs met elsewhere
- Break up and find a kinky person to be with
There are no other options on the table. I strongly encourage you to pick option one. What is the absolute worst that can happen? They freak out and break up with you? Good! They are honestly doing you a favor by freeing up your time to be invested in someone that is more compatible with you. You never know—you could propose some exploration and end up with the collared submissive of your dreams! Isn’t that worth a try?
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
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