Saturday, April 13, 2024

My Husband and I Have Nothing to Talk About


Nothing feels lonelier than just eating with your husband in silence or living under the same roof but never having the deep conversations you’re craving.

It feels terrible when the emotional intimacy goes missing like that.

I still remember how miserable that was when it was happening at my house.

So how do you get back to sharing your dreams, desires, and the details of your day?

Here’s what worked for me and might work for you too.

1. Restore emotional safety

Emotional safety in marriage

One thing that shuts down conversations fast is when it’s not safe to say anything, for either one of you.

Maybe you’re afraid he’s going to blame you or shut you out or he’s afraid you’re going to micromanage or criticize him.

Neither of you feels free to be yourself, so you stay distant. It feels awful! Especially if you used to talk about everything and confide in each other.

So how do you restore emotional safety, especially if you’re the one who doesn’t feel safe?

You’ll need a superpower. At least it seemed like one to me early on in my marriage.

Fortunately, it’s one you can develop.

This is pretty counterintuitive, I know, but the superpower for restoring emotional safety is to scan my side of the street for ways I contributed to the problem.

Even if I was only 10% of the problem and he was 90%.

Even if I was only 1% of the problem and he was 99%.

I like having deep conversations and silly conversations and sharing details about our day, so if that goes missing, I like being able to fix it.

Once I figure out what I did, I use my superpower of being able to apologize for being disrespectful, critical, or controlling.

Before I had this superpower, I thought this idea was ridiculous.

I was just waiting for him to apologize for his part. But that got old and painful, so I decided to go first. Now I like being able to clean things up myself, and it’s wild how he also apologizes.

We both got superpowers after I decided to go first.

Even if he doesn’t apologize, I also don’t need him to anymore. That’s wild too!

2. Do something that excites you

How to be a great listener

Are you doing something that lights you up that you’re so excited to talk about?

If not, then let’s talk about that.

What’s stopping you from having an adventure, expressing yourself creatively, or playing a sport that fills you with endorphins? Like say, I don’t know, volleyball!

Okay, so that’s my thing, but what’s your thing?

Because when you are full of endorphins or bubbling with the excitement of bringing a creative endeavor into the world or planning on having an adventure, a couple of things happen: One, you have something interesting to talk about, and two, you become more attractive because you’re so full of joy and excitement.

3. Become a great conversationalist

Excitement in marriage

How do you do that? By becoming a great listener.

How do you become a great listener? It’s not as easy as it seems, speaking of superpowers.

I lean on this cheat phrase, to remind me that what I want to do is listen well: “I hear you.”

That’s it. Just “I hear you.”

There’s no “Ands” or “Buts” at the end. There are no helpful suggestions either.

There’s just bearing witness, giving your man the gift of being heard and understood.

Every human needs that.

Now that you know the three ways to create emotional intimacy, which will you try first? I’d love to hear what conversations it sparks at your house!

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I’m Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife–until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

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