Have you never been in a relationship but are just as keen to find your soulmate as anybody else is? Your teens, twenties, and maybe even thirties have flown by. And for one reason or another, a serious relationship has never happened for you.
Is it normal to have never been in a relationship?
Yes! You’d be surprised how many others there are just like you. So let go of any weirdness or stigma you’re holding onto around this.
And anyway, we’re all doing everything later in life these days. Recent stats have shown that romantic relationships are forming slower for young people than they did in previous decades. The median age to get married in 1990 was estimated to be 26 for men and just under 24 for women. Fast forward to 2022, and it was 30 for men and 28 for women.
So while it’s nice that your parents met each other at 16 and got married three years later, and have been together forever, your love story might not look like that. And that’s okay.
But, if you do want to find love, there are some things you can do to help yourself speed up your timeline, which I’ll explore in this post.
Why have I never been in a relationship?
Maybe your work has led to you constantly traveling and moving countries every few years. Maybe you just haven’t met anyone who’s a good match for you and the life you want to live. Or maybe you suffer from attachment issues and an inability to commit.
There are so many reasons why you might never have been in a relationship. Here are some of the common ones:
- You have been uber-focused on building your career
- You were/are in the military service
- You have been traveling a lot
- Bad examples of relationships (from parents or friends) have put you off relationships altogether
- You’re insecure or have low self-esteem
- You have unreasonably high expectations and are looking for perfection (which doesn’t exist)
- You don’t believe you deserve love
- You’re waiting for a fairytale romance
- You never meet anyone you’re remotely excited about
- You worry you don’t have the time or energy to devote to a relationship
- You have a fear of intimacy
- You have an avoidant attachment style
- You fear rejection
- You’re very independent and used to your life as it is and aren’t sure whether you want to meddle with that now
Take some time to think about which of these resonate with you. Knowing the why is important because it will pinpoint what you need to work on to get to a place where you’re more open and willing to welcome someone into your life.
13 Tips for those who have never been in a relationship and want to find love
1. Remember that you are not a unicorn
Did you know the hashtag #neverhadaboyfriend has over 25 million views on TikTok? So if you’ve never been in a relationship, I want you to remember that you are not alone. In fact, you’re in great company!
It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean you’re going to die alone with cats. It doesn’t mean you’re behind in life. After all, it’s better to be on your own and single than in the wrong relationship.
Avoid comparing yourself with friends or anyone else. You are right where you’re meant to be.
2. Let your age go
Not too long ago, if you were a woman who hadn’t married by age 20, you were considered a spinster who would never find anyone and be “left on the shelf.” There are still cultures that perpetuate this BS. Maybe even your mom or grandma makes you feel this way, which isn’t nice to hear and can convince you that there is something wrong with you (there’s not).
Women have the added pressure of biology working against them if they want to have kids. But medicine has increased this window, and many options are available if you’re single in your thirties and want to plan for the future.
Age is just a number. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re behind or running out of time. They need to mind their own business and focus on their own lives.
Don’t put even more pressure on yourself to find your soulmate because it will ruin the dating process for you, and finding the one is meant to be fun!
3. Look for love for the right reasons
Look around you, and you’ll find a lot of unhappy people in terrible relationships and even marriages.
Why? Because they fear being alone, they’re stuck in a rut, and they fear the stigma of being single again or getting divorced.
And those are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
So if you’ve never been in a relationship but want to meet someone, make sure you do it for the right reasons. Like, you want to build a life with someone. Looking for someone to make you happy won’t work – you must make yourself happy.
4. Figure out what’s holding you back
Aside from the reasons I listed earlier, is something else holding you back from love? Are you self-sabotaging? Are you walking around closed off to the possibility of meeting someone and opening your heart to them? Maybe you experienced some childhood trauma that still needs healing, for example, being bullied at school and still feeling unattractive or insecure today because of that experience.
You can only show up in a relationship if you have worked through all this baggage first. If you need help, I recommend working with a licensed therapist.
Or you may love being single. You love living on your own, having your house organized the way you want it, not worrying about compromising or sharing and having the freedom to live entirely on your terms. But part of you feels socially pressured to be in a relationship, or maybe you’re on the fence and unsure whether it’s something you want.
In this case, my advice would be to give dating a go so that you know for sure either way.
5. Own who you are
If you’re a shy introvert, great. If you’re obsessed with llamas, great. Learn to love who you are and own it! This is a big part of Little Love Step #1 of my 7 Little Love Steps.
Do this, and you’ll attract the right person into your life who likes you for you instead of someone you’re trying to be to win them over.
6. Get comfortable with rejection
One of the biggest blocks to dating and finding love is our fear of rejection. But the thing is, you can’t avoid it. Initiating conversations with strangers, asking people out, and going on dates inevitably means that you will be rejected at some point. And yes, this can hurt, but what if you changed how you view rejection? What if you saw it as a confirmation that you put yourself out there and are a step closer to your soulmate?
Remember that rejection might sting in the moment (and a little while after), but it will fade into nothing over time. So when you get rejected, pick yourself back up and move on to the next conversation or date. This momentum will leave you with no time to dwell on things that didn’t go your way.
7. Prepare to be vulnerable
This ties into the previous point – if you’ve never been in a relationship, it could be because you haven’t let yourself be vulnerable or gotten out of your comfort zone. Dating requires us to do it.
You have to be willing to entertain a conversation with someone you don’t know in Whole Foods, or download a dating app and write your bio even if it feels corny, and show up on a first date not knowing how it’s going to go or whether the person will even show up.
And dating is just the beginning. Being in a relationship with anyone and growing that connection and intimacy requires you to be open and vulnerable. So if you are someone who has always had their guard up out of fear of being hurt, make a conscious effort to let it down a little.
That doesn’t mean you trust a stranger who hasn’t given you any reason to trust them, but it does mean you embrace a bit of discomfort. For example, you could attend a speed dating event, join an online dating site and send someone a message, or strike up a conversation with that cute guy you see in the park every morning when you’re walking your dog.
8. Work on building your confidence
If you think about what you’re attracted to, confidence is probably pretty high up there, and it is for most of us. Confidence is sexy. And when a person is quietly confident in who they are and how they look and doesn’t give a sh*t whether people like them or like the same things, that’s attractive.
If you know your self-confidence could do with a little boost, here’s a great tip. Next time you notice a negative or limiting thought enter your mind that is about you, rewrite it with something positive, and repeat that to yourself. It’s equally important to surround yourself with people who make you feel good and are positive and uplifting.
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Right before you go on a date, do something to boost your confidence, whether it’s putting on a particular outfit, air-guitaring to your favorite song, or reminding yourself of all the reasons you’re awesome.
Remember to exercise daily and eat well because these two things greatly impact your mind and general day-to-day wellness.
9. Set boundaries and stick to them
One of the main reasons people end up in toxic relationships or get hurt is that they haven’t taken the time to establish clear boundaries or communicate these. Boundaries are essential, and we need them in every type of relationship: in families, work settings, and when dating.
Think about what your hard boundaries are. What are you not willing to negotiate on? What are your deal-breakers? What are you comfortable with regarding dating, sex, and relationships, and what are you not comfortable with?
Once you are clear on your boundaries, stick to them. It’s better to have never been in a relationship than to be in a relationship where your boundaries are crossed and disrespected.
10. Go out of your way to meet more people
If you have never been in a relationship but are ready to attract love, it’s time to put yourself out there more. The more you go out and socialize, the more people you will meet. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet someone you’re attracted to and have a strong connection with.
But as we get older, invites and opportunities to meet people naturally decrease, especially as your friends couple off, settle down, and start their own families. So if you want to make sure you’re still meeting lots of people, you’ve got to expand your social life and start spending more time with other single people.
Try a new hobby, join a class or a club, volunteer, explore your passions and interests and say yes to all invites that come your way.
If you haven’t yet tried online dating, it’s time to pick a couple of platforms or apps that feel aligned and set your profile up. Set aside time to go into the app daily to browse matches and respond to messages. And remind your friends and family that you’re single and happy to be set up with anyone they think could be a potential match for you.
11. Remove the awkwardness from first dates
If you’ve never been in a relationship, you might be a serial dater or someone with very little experience dating. If it’s the latter, even the thought of going on a date with someone can fill you with fear. And if you are more shy or introverted, it can be difficult to generate a conversation with a stranger and overcome the awkwardness you feel.
When it comes to topics of conversation, in my Love Accelerator Program, I recommend the FORD approach. Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams. Focus on these four topics, and you can’t go wrong.
Also, come prepared with an interesting story to share about your day. Try and focus on asking open-ended questions, which means they can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” And finally, be genuinely interested in the person you’re on a date with.
12. Enjoy the dating process
When you’ve never been in a relationship, it can put much more pressure on the dating process. Especially if you are ready and open to meeting someone. So, to make sure you enjoy the dating process, focus on being present in the moment and enjoying the company of your date. Let go of any expectations or the outcome you want, and try and have fun!
The thing I’ve noticed about love is it almost always comes knocking when you least expect it. That doesn’t mean you can sit at home and retreat from society like a hermit crab. But it does mean that if you’re putting out signals to the Universe that you are ready to attract the man and relationship you desire and backing it up with action, it’s way more likely to happen.
13. Don’t give up hope
My final tip for anyone who has never been in a relationship and wants to find their soulmate is to stay hopeful. You might get ghosted or stood up. You might have a disastrous first date or a string of them. Or you might fall for someone who you think is great only to have them tell you that they aren’t feeling it. These are all a part of dating, and sometimes, you might question why you’re putting yourself through this. On those occasions, remind yourself that you are on a quest to meet your soulmate. Don’t let anything stand in your way, especially not you.
Never been in a relationship, but now you’re ready to meet the one? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below. Tell me one thing you will do today to move you a step closer to attracting lasting love.