Entering the lifestyle is a big step not to be undertaken lightly. Many people find themselves lurking in the doorway, desiring to enter the magical house they have dreamed so long about, but somehow unable to cross over the threshold.
What holds people back from their dreams? Many factors, but high on the list is anxiety. The causes of anxiety can arise from any number of things, including past trauma. Today’s column comes courtesy of a nervous newbie struggling with unresolved trauma that keeps preventing them from further exploration. Can trauma be conquered and the anxiety beast vanquished? Yes. Yes, it can. Let’s find out how shall we?
“I’ve been trying to enter the lifestyle for about 2.5 years now, but every time I think I find a Dom, they either turn out to be a predator or I bail out before we meet because of anxiety. I had a bad experience with a dom IRL in the past and since then I haven’t been able to get on top of my anxiety. I know I want to submit IRL but I don’t know how to deal with the anxiety.
I’ve gotten close to a few nice Doms but every time it gets to the point where we would meet up in person, my anxiety skyrockets and I end up not going through with it. I find myself more scared and uncomfortable than excited and I keep bailing out at the last minute. Do you have any advice?”–Once Burned, Twice Shy
Unaddressed trauma is a heavy weight to carry. It drags you down in endless ways. The effort of shouldering that burden on the daily is both exhausting and time-consuming. The sooner we give ourselves the gift of addressing that trauma, the better off we are. In your case, you crave and desire the experience of an IRL Dominant, but because you have not properly addressed your past trauma, you are caught in an endless cycle of false starts and canceled potential.
Are You Communicating Your Past Trauma To Potential Doms?
Your unaddressed trauma doesn’t just affect you, it also ends up affecting others that enter your orbit. Your letter doesn’t specify if you are telling these “nice Doms” why, after everything is going well enough that meeting in person is the next logical step, you end up bailing. I am going to have to hazard a guess that you are not—you are instead vanishing in a puff of anxiety smoke. *POOF*
I am making this guess because if you were clearly communicating with these nice Doms: “Hey, just to let you know, I have some unresolved trauma from a bad experience with a Dom that gives me a lot of anxiety and I am really nervous as a result,” you wouldn’t be emailing me. These nice Doms, at least one or two of them, would have heard you, understood the situation, and done what they could to help lower your anxiety.
Don’t Pass Your Trauma On To Other
What does bailing out at the last minute due to anxiety nerves look like? Are you ghosting? Cutting off all communication? Leaving them in the dark about how, after things were going so well, you suddenly refused to meet up? If that is the case, you are actually passing on trauma to others. Trauma: It’s the gift that keeps on giving! I say this because I regularly receive anguished letters from Doms who get bailed on or ghosted at the last minute and they can’t understand what went wrong. It’s very hurtful for them and they begin to doubt themselves.
You owe it, not just to yourself, but to anyone you are interacting with, to clearly and honestly disclose what you are going through. You would be amazed at how clear communication and direct honesty can vanquish anxiety. Trust me on this.
It works like this: “Hi, we really seem to be hitting it off and I deeply desire to have a Dominant, but I had a bad experience in the past because of a predator and it has left me with a lot of anxiety. I really struggle with the anxiety and it makes me really skittish about actually meeting up. I just wanted to let you know and I hope you understand.”
Any Dom Worth Your Time Will Understand Your Anxiety
It’s as simple as that. Any Dominant worth your time would understand and do their very best to set your mind at ease and earn your trust. If they can’t give you that, they are not worth your time. It is the perfect self-selection process. You deserve someone that will give you that. On the other side of the coin, potential partners deserve you being honest and direct with them and not getting sucked into your anxiety spiral without knowing what exactly is happening.
I understand anxiety, believe me, I do, but until you give yourself the gift of addressing it head-on, you are going to be forever lurking in the doorway of the House Of Kink, glimpsing the treasures inside that are just out of reach. Does it take courage to step through the door? Absolutely, for a fact. Is that courage accessible? Yes, yes it is. Give yourself permission to take that step and a world of wonder is waiting for you on the other side.
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
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