Humans love labels. They make us feel comfortable. Things seem to make more sense when you can put a name on something. But while we love sticking things in neat little boxes with clear and concise categories, life has a way of allowing these neat little boxes to overflow and mingle.
Life is nowhere as black and white as we try to make it—it contains (forgive me) many shades of gray. Very few people or situations are going to precisely conform to their applied labels. We quickly learn that the exception to the rule is actually the norm.
Today’s column comes courtesy of a reader who made the best of pandemic lockdown by getting to know themselves better and found a whole new area to explore. Can they keep exploring their newfound interest? Or will they have their Dom card revoked? Let’s find out!
“A lot of folk who don’t know me well would see a masculine d-type who does well with the ladies and when it comes to back door play I’m quite experienced as a Top.
Then the pandemonium happened and I was locked down alone. Boredom set in, one thing led to another, and suddenly I’m making the most of an extensive toy collection. It was awesome learning these new sensations and I think it has made me a better Top.
My problem now is I’d like to go further trying stuff with a partner–a LOT further. However I’ve noticed over the years, for a supposedly non judgemental community, a lot of sub-types are really put off by male Doms being into exploring that sort of thing. I know a lot of people, and as much as I like most of them, I’m quite certain many would react negatively if I admitted such an interest openly. Nevermind the practicality of effectively being a bottom, while being pretty Dom in general. Add in the difficulty of finding an interested compatible partner and it seems better to just admit defeat and keep enjoying solo play as a ‘dirty secret’.
Should I just forget about trying to pursue my new found passion? Or do you have some tips?”–Still Dominant
What a great question! I am so glad you reached out to ask. It touches on some of the core principles of my education and is near and dear to my heart. I hope the answers I am about to give you will not only help you, but anyone else reading that finds themself in a similar situation—believe me, there are a lot more than you think. I promise. Cross my heart and swear on a stack of lube.
You Are Not The First Dominant To Discover The Beauty Of The Back Door
Dominant men throughout history have done some exploring and realized the absolute treasure trove of pleasure they were sitting on. You are far from the first person to make such a discovery. It might have happened eventually even without the factor of a 2-year pandemic spent isolated with an extensive and underutilized toy collection. Additionally, you are not the first to wonder what exactly the implications of such a discovery are—does enjoying such pleasure somehow make you less Dominant?
The answer to that is a hard NO! You are Dominant if you identify as Dominant. Full stop. End of story. Realizing how much pleasure can be accessed through penetration and wanting to explore that does not make you any less of a Dominant.
Detox Your Mind
What you are unconsciously buying into is a toxic mindset that contaminates everything that it touches. This toxic mindset implies that to be penetrated is to be weak. That to receive pleasure rather than to give it somehow makes one less manly. That no Dominant manly man would ever find any sort of enjoyment out of back door action. This sort of thinking is so ubiquitous that we don’t really stop to question it much. I wish more people did.
You strike me as a fairly aware and insightful person and I am guessing you haven’t ever really stopped to unpack this kind of mindset. You needed some pandemic-induced alone time to explore things you otherwise wouldn’t. Your fear is that other people are going to judge you or view you as less Dominant and that potential submissive partners are going to reject you and your newfound interests. This is that toxic mindset I am referring to.
Play Can Be Dominant Or Submissive Depending On How You Approach It
Receiving backdoor pleasure is not an inherently submissive act. It can be an incredibly Dominant act! It all comes down to how you approach it. Give orders: “You are going to make me feel good. That’s an order. Impress me. Your assignment is to dazzle.” Have you ever had your ass eaten? Tell them to get in there and WORSHIP. You could even have your submissive on a leash while they are doing it.
Will this work for every potential play partner? Of course not. Might some people reject you? Of course. But would you really want those sorts of people in your life? Consider it a self-selection process that winnows out those you are not compatible with.
You are also assuming rejection from folks before it has even happened. Give people a chance! They might not be as quick to judge as you are presupposing.
Don’t Waste Valuable Time With Those Who Don’t Accept You
And if they do? In the end, you only have one life. Every second you invest in not being your honest, authentic self and wearing what you think is a “socially acceptable” mask to make people approve of you is a second wasted that you don’t get back. Don’t waste those seconds. Time is the only true currency.
I refuse to be a fake version of myself. I am going to be my honest and authentic self and in doing so, I’m going to attract people to me that accept me for who I am. It is highly recommended you give it a try. I promise it is the best use of your time.
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
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