Dr. Alexandra Stockwell, aka the “Intimacy Doctor”, shares tips on how to have uncompromising intimacy in long-term relationships. Listen in!
Alexandra Stockwell, MD, aka “The Intimacy Doctor”, is widely known for her ability to catalyze immediate and profound shifts in high achieving couples who want it all–genuine emotional connection, sensual passion, and erotic intimacy. A physician coach and Intimate Marriage Expert, Alexandra is the best-selling author of “Uncompromising Intimacy,” host of The Intimate Marriage Podcast, a wife of 29 years and a mother of 4.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- Why most marriages lack passion
- Why she’s against compromise
- What is uncompromising intimacy?
- Is this any different in newer relationships versus long-lasting ones?
EP 557: Dr. Alexandra Stockwell – Uncompromising Intimacy
Why do most marriages and long term relationships lack passion?
It stems from an extremely wide-spread misconception. The most common advice given in the Western world is compromise if you want to have a good marriage. That’s wrong. Compromise if you want a bland relationship. If you want erotic intimacy, uncompromising is the way to go. Withholding who you are so your partner is comfortable. We have an epidemic of conflict free, passion free relationships.
Why are you against compromise?
It feels like you have to amputate parts of yourself in order to be in a relationship. It becomes such a habit, we don’t even realize it. I say to clients, “What do you desire?” Most people don’t know. Start there. What is alive inside you? What do you want to express? If you can’t do that in the day to day, you can’t do it when you’re in the bedroom. Every interaction either is foreplay or not. Be clear about what you want and need. It’s about safety and predictability so you each know the other person’s needs. What becomes boring is dialing down interest and curiosity about the other person and yourself.
Please explain what you mean by uncompromising intimacy?
It means how to share who you are – your desires, feelings – in a way your partner can receive them. Even when dating, state what you want and receive the other person more fully. Learn to be able to receive and give the love from a partner no matter how it’s expressed.
Is this any different in newer relationships versus long-lasting ones?
In newer relationships, the intimacy is usually more present. In a longer lasting relationship, bring more open-ended questions and conversations into the relationship. Be curious. It functions in a lubricating manner. In relationships where there’s one partner who uses sex to connect and she relies on emotional connection to have sex, if she can see that his intention is to connect, it can shift things for her.
Listen to erotica. Provide your own foreplay so you’re juicy and genuine. If having him clean the kitchen or support her in some way, it can lead to emotional and sexual connection. “You know what would turn me on and get me ready for sex? If you did the dishes/unloaded the dishwasher/helped in some way, that would turn me on.” Many men were raised to have only one emotion: anger. Other emotions were taboo. It’s a learned skill.
After sex, take turns sharing moments of the experience you enjoyed. “I really liked when you were touching me that way, because I felt cared for/electric in my body, etc.” Expressing the experience helps you build more feeling conversations.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Having a fantastic relationship is a learned skill. Be as true to yourself as you possibly can. That will help you attract the right partner.
Watch this episode on YouTube
Download the first chapter of “Uncompromising Intimacy.” It’s called “Is Companionship as good as it gets?” and details the different kinds of relationships and how to bring more intimacy into each one.
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