Monday, April 15, 2024

Why Am I So Turned Off By My Husband — 10 Reasons And Tips To Avoid – Bonobology.com


To know more about this (very common) problem, I turned to those meccas of online advice – Quora and Reddit – and boy, did they deliver. If you have ever thought to yourself, “Why am I so turned off by my husband?”, then hold on, we are deep diving into the whys and what to do soon. But first, let’s unpack a very telling confession by a Reddit user.

She says, “My husband and I have a lot of fun together and mutually respect one another. Unfortunately, over the years, I admit I’m no longer attracted to my husband. The things he does in the bedroom no longer excite me; I’m not stimulated by how he looks; I’m just not into him.”

Similar feelings are echoed throughout the Internet (and I’m sure among your friends and peers). In the complex world of relationships, falling out of lust (and love) is an unsettling and distressing occurrence. So, we asked Dr. Shefali Batra (MD in Psychiatry), a California-based psychiatrist and cognitive behavior therapist who specializes in counseling for separation and divorce, breakup and dating, and premarital compatibility issues, about the root cause of this phenomenon and if there are ways to rekindle that dying flame

Why Am I So Turned Off By My Husband?

“What’s happening to me? Why do I have no feelings for my husband anymore?” If this is you, let’s take a moment and step back. Dr. Batra interjects that “there are three main reasons for attraction to dwindle:

Before you do anything drastic, let’s look at the possible reasons you may feel turned off by your spouse, as gathered from online consensus and our resident expert Dr. Batra:

1. The routine has set in

Not every day can be a pleasant surprise filled with romance and sexual attraction. Time passes. Both partners change. Daily life, to-do lists, and routines can lead to an emotional disconnection.

A lack of spontaneity can kill even the most ardent of sexual relationships. As a result, irritation and resentment can creep in. Worse still, one (or both) of you start looking for that fresh spark in others.

Related Reading: 13 Subtle Signs Your Wife Is Not Attracted To You Anymore  And 5 Things You Can Do

2. The communication has worsened

A study on communication and relationship satisfaction over time clearly indicates that “worsened communication can predict deteriorations in future relationship satisfaction.”

Those early, heady days of being in love and wanting to spend every waking minute discussing each other’s lives will naturally wane into something more normal and routine. This is nothing to be worried about. What is worrying is when you and your partner rarely talk about anything important anymore. Here’s a checklist for you:

  • Do you find a lack of emotional intimacy?
  • When was the last time the two of you sat down and spoke honestly and openly with each other?
  • Do you trust your partner enough to open up to them?

If your answer is “It’s been too long for any of this,” it’s no surprise that your feelings of attraction are dwindling. A healthy relationship requires open communication to flourish and grow.

i am completely turned off by my husband
If the emotional intimacy is off in your relationship, you may feel repulsed by your husband

3. You don’t feel attracted to him because the conflicts keep adding up

Research shows that “a higher degree in conflict decreased women’s attraction.” Think about the last time you felt emotionally detached from your spouse and ask yourself if you are still holding on to any resentments and anger. Your answer may be the reason for your question, “Why am I so turned off by my husband?”

These persistent behavior patterns will add to the decreasing intimacy between a couple:

  • Unresolved conflicts that add up quickly
  • Arguments that are left hanging
  • Abusive behavior that is ignored
  • Unmet expectations and constant criticism that add to the emotional detachment and subsequent lack of physical attraction

Related Reading: 11 Things That Happen When A Woman Loses Interest In Her Husband

4. No connection with husband anymore? See if your shared life has become more stressful

Various factors can contribute to an emotional detachment from your partner such as:

  • Work pressure
  • Personal stressors
  • Addictive behavior
  • Financial issues
  • Poor mental health

Dr. Batra adds, “Lack of time could be a genuine concern, especially when your husband turns you down, but this alone is never the culprit. Clubbed with the first two points above, the lack of time spent together lessens the togetherness hormone, oxytocin, which drives the couple even further apart.”

Sexual desire and physical intimacy are next to disappear from the equation. For a marriage to survive, finding a support system is imperative. There is no shame in looking for professional help to revive the emotional connection and sexual interest in your marriage.

5. Changes in appearance can have a detrimental effect on attraction

We are not talking about just putting on a few pounds here and there or slacking off on a few personal grooming sessions. If your regular complaints sound like this – “my husband has ‘let go’ of any semblance of caring for his looks” – your relationship might also be affected.

Low self-esteem caused by a change of appearance can also affect a person’s actions, leading to a vicious cycle of loathing and repulsion.

6. Constant dissatisfaction is the underlying feeling in your marriage

“Attraction significantly dwindles when a couple stops respecting each other. This means they frequently experience and express differences and dislikes in disrespectful ways like arguments, suspiciousness, aggressive communication, blaming, sarcasm, and more,” explains Dr. Batra.

When you first met your husband, the world was your oyster. In the throes of initial attraction, neither of you could do wrong, am I right? As the years pass, you may feel cheated regarding what was promised and what you actually ended up with. This feeling of disappointment can be a significant turn-off both in the bedroom and out of it.

It may be time to reevaluate your expectations, communicate with your spouse, and create healthy boundaries.

Related Reading: What To Do If You Are Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner?

7. “I feel disconnected from my husband” — Adding children to the mix can cause this change

Ask any parent, and they will confess that having children literally pulled the rug from under their feet. Nothing prepares you for kids. The sleepless nights, the health concerns, the expenses, meddling families … the list goes on. All this, in turn, affects quality time spent with each other as well as your sexual routine.

Dr. Batra adds, “Lack of interest sets in when the couple has gone into the ‘roommate mode’ wherein there is no desire to be there for the other. You don’t nurture, nourish, or surprise the other with sweet nothings that, once upon a time, meant something significant to both members. They don’t feel the need to make the other one feel special and the inevitable query – why am I so turned off by my husband – crops up repeatedly.”

Moving past this stage of not being turned on by your husband takes a concerted effort and commitment to each other’s well-being. An absence of shared responsibilities and an open dialogue can otherwise lead to sexual aversion.

More on Marriage Problems

8. Lack of trust and infidelity can lead to irreconcilable differences and emotional disconnect

When infidelity mars the relationship, it can seem impossible to move ahead and forget the trauma associated with it. Ask yourself if:

  • You feel no connection with your husband anymore, and if the trust between the two of you has been broken
  • The trust is compromised, and doubts and suspicions have crept in between you two
  • There is no longer a safe space to turn to, and you now look outside your partnership for the reassurance and stability you need

Related Reading: What He Thinks When You Ignore Him – 11 Surprising Revelations

9. People change

It’s natural that as time passes, both you and your husband will change. These changes could be reflected in your physical appearance, your sexual desire, shared interests, and even in terms of your personal growth.

If your interests have diverged to such an extent that you can no longer find any common ground in the relationship, it is not unusual to feel repulsed and find excuses to feel turned off by your partner.

10. There’s been no effort in sustaining the spark

What came first? The feelings of repulsion or the lack of sexual drive? It’s an eternal question, isn’t it? A study states that “relationship events affect physical attraction in women far more than in men. We believe that women are more sensitive to the various events in the relationship (such as):

  • Communication intensity and quality
  • More frequent kissing
  • Positive sexual experience
  • The presence of a date night.”

All these increased a female’s physical attraction to her partner. So, for a relationship to thrive, it’s important that:

  • You acknowledge the lack of a regular and healthy sex drive
  • You communicate honestly about your intimacy needs, sexual fantasies, and each other’s physical appearance (not “you’re ugly” but “I miss how you used to groom yourself regularly”)
  • You lay out your expectations regarding loyalty and trust
  • You speak to a licensed clinical social worker or seek professional guidance to help you manage this sensitive situation

How To Feel Attracted To Your Husband

“I am completely turned off by my husband.”
“My husband repulses me sexually.”
“I have no feelings for my husband anymore.”

These are valid feelings that don’t just go away. You must introspect and question your role in this situation to repair the emotional bond and get the spark back in your relationship. Looking at things from your partner’s perspective is also necessary for self-reflection. You may need professional help from a family therapist if things become too difficult to handle independently.

Here are some practical steps to take to feel attracted to your husband again:

Related Reading: Lack Of Affection And Intimacy In A Relationship — 9 Ways It Affects You

1. Be honest with him

We know this is easier said than done, but if you really want to rekindle your sex life and repair the emotional distance between your spouse and yourself, the first step will always be open and honest communication. It’s time to lay it all out in the open if things bother you to the point of disconnect. They could be regarding:

  • His physical appearance
  • His lack of responsibility
  • His or your mental health
  • Your own feelings of neglect and mistrust

Conflict resolution can only occur when a mature dialogue begins between you both.

no feelings for my husband anymore
Whatever it is about him that’s bothering you, talk to him honestly about it

2. Ask for help to bridge the sexual distance with your spouse

We’ve said it before, and we will say it again. Regarding improving your marriage, there is no shame in getting professional support to help you navigate the minefield of emotions inherent in conflict resolution. Therapy also offers a safe space for both partners to air their grievances openly. A licensed counselor can be the much-needed impartial third party in such situations.

3. Prioritize self-care

Mental health begins with yourself. If you suffer from anxiety or depression, it is almost impossible to feel optimistic and loving toward your partner. Make time for self-care and prioritize your own needs. Here’s why:

  • Managing your stress levels will help create a more positive environment at home
  • It will help you repair some of the emotional instability plaguing your marriage
  • If there are medical conditions that are affecting your libido, those need to be addressed as well for the sake of your overall health

Related Reading: 17 Signs You Are In An Incompatible Relationship

4. Not turned on by husband anymore? Revisit the good times

Remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place. Do anything to bring back the good memories rather than focus on the current negative energies. Try this:

  • Schedule regular date nights
  • Make time without the kids
  • Plan a mini-break with him

It’s time to make a conscious effort to remind yourself that you were once hopelessly in lust (and love) with your partner.

5. Spike your adrenaline

This may seem extreme, but a little adventure-seeking can only help your relationship. In a classic study by Arthur Aron, it was discovered that couples who engaged in new and arousing activities reported higher satisfaction in their relationship than couples who participated in mundane, safer pastimes.

When your relationship regularly feeds you with strong, positive emotions, taking the other person for granted becomes tougher. Pleasure-seeking is one way to remain attracted to your partner, and it usually leads to a ripple effect in other areas of your life as well.

Key Pointers

  • Fluctuations in desire are normal in long-term relationships. However, consistent feelings of repulsion toward your spouse require attention
  • You might feel a sexual disconnect with your spouse when these things go missing: flowing communication, trust, an interesting routine, or date nights
  • It’s important to figure out your role and culpability in this situation first. From there on, you can work toward rekindling your desire and attraction by listening to his side, taking care of your health, doing pleasure-seeking things together, and getting back in touch with what made you both click in the first place
  • Just remember, this is a gradual process that requires honesty and communication and may need professional support as well

Whether your husband no longer turns you on or you have reached the point where everything he does repulses you, you need to understand the reasons behind these emotions. This can lead you on a journey of self-discovery as well. Once you address the “why am I so turned off by my husband?” feelings honestly and constructively, you can work toward rekindling the desire and attraction again.

This is not the time for quick fixes or definitive ultimatums. Long-term relationships evolve and change over time, but with effort, patience, and the proper support, your marriage has a greater chance of survival than you can imagine.

FAQs

1. Is it normal to be turned off by your husband?

Many romantic relationships thrive on the spark and the connection between the couple. But the energy and the power cannot be flowing 24/7. Attraction and passion brings a couple together in the first place, but it’s not what keeps the spark alive all the time. “It’s not easy to stay ‘turned on’ all the time. But it’s not really okay to be ‘put off’ by your husband,” says Dr. Batra. The fact that you’re not turned on by your husband is normal or temporary sometimes, but like our expert says, being repulsed by your spouse is concerning.

2. Can a marriage survive without desire?

With asexual partner(s), it can. Or maybe you got married solely because you enjoy each other’s company a lot. But if neither of these scenarios is the case, Dr. Batra says, “A marriage without desire becomes a transactional contract. Many couples do this for the sake of the children, society, or transactional reasons, like finances or convenience. “Such marriages do last. Sometimes, people choose open relationships to appease and satisfy themselves with alternative partners. However, it would be great to keep the spark alive to make your marriage successful and rewarding because it would bring clarity to your future and give you satisfaction and happiness.”

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