I was randomly inspired to write this post when I read some comments and saw some posts on Reddit r/seduction and r/dating_advice which baffled me and prompted a rant about the advice to “Just Be Yourself!”
Here’s the rant in full, followed by the actual post:
Listen up because I’m about to drop a heavy dose of REALITY on your ass!
I keep reading so much bullshit about the advice to “Just Be Yourself!” it’s RIDICULOUS.
So many people here in posts and comments are so fucking clueless and so confidently wrong it’s making my head hurt. The blind leading the blind!
People are convinced it’s garbage advice when it’s not. You just have no clue what it means.
I’ll put this to rest once and for all. Because it’s one of the most brilliant advice there is on the planet. And it’s simultaneously the stupidest fucking advice when given by people who have no clue what the fuck they’re talking about and what it actually means.
Sidebar on this sub says this advice is unactionable? I disagree 100% and I’ll show you what CONCRETE ACTION you can take. But first you have to UNDERSTAND IT.
So prepare for a RANT!
First, your personality is 100% completely unique, even though you may fall into some major categories (dominant, compliant, optimist, passive, etc.). There’s not a single person in the world who is EXACTLY like you.
And no matter what your personality is, if you let it SHINE, really truly fucking express yourself without fear, guilt, shame and similar bullshit, people will be DRAWN to you. Because you’ll elicit POWERFUL EMOTIONS in others by being polarizing.
And people are DRIVEN by emotions. It’s why we do pretty much EVERYTHING.
But because of all the bullshit insecurities and self-esteem issues you’ve gathered throughout your life and the fucked up self-image you have of yourself that doesn’t align with you and your actions, YOU CAN’T LET LOOSE AND EXPRESS YOURSELF FREELY. Letting your true personality come out and shine, so people see and interact with the REAL YOU.
You hide behind masks you’ve unconsciously developed because you’re afraid people will JUDGE YOU and REJECT YOU.
You can’t talk to that hot girl because of hundreds of fucking stupid reasons like “Oh what if I screw up? What if she thinks I’m dumb? What if she has a boyfriend? What if she disagrees with me? What if I make her mad? What if I don’t know what to say? What if she thinks I’m ugly?” and so on and so forth.
The answer to all of these questions is SO FUCKING WHAT? There’s no other way to find out than to TRY SOMETHING.
However, any and all similar questions betray one incredibly important thing: YOU HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM!
And when you have low self-esteem and think any of these things, YOU ARE NOT BEING YOURSELF.
You want to approach her, but there’s 50 different reasons why you don’t. So you’re not doing what you TRULY, DEEPLY WANT TO DO.
And here’s the kicker: Most people in the world ARE NOT BEING TRUE TO THEMSELVES most of the time!
Except those rare moments once every fucking blue moon when all the stars align or you get that magical ratio of alcohol and encouragement in your life or something really fucking awesome happens to you and you’re BEAMING WITH JOY, LIFE, ENTHUSIASM AND BELIEF IN YOURSELF. Where you just say FUCK IT and are ON. And I mean OOON!
Those moments where you’re IN STATE, as PUAs call it. Where you feel on top of the world and everything coming out of your mouth is GOLDEN. Where you’re being UNABASHEDLY YOURSELF, a genuinely charming, witty motherfucker who’s ON POINT, no matter how weird your brand of personality is! Where people REALLY start to enjoy being around you.
That state didn’t just appear out of fucking nowhere now did it? It came FROM YOU! You already have everything within you to do that, you just need to shed your BAGGAGE OF BULLSHIT to channel it.
THAT’S what it fucking means to BE YOURSELF.
Any person on the planet can do it. It’s so fucking sad that so many people experience it only a few times in their lives, when they can be like that often or even nearly always.
People want to have fun with you but they CAN’T if you CONSTANTLY REPRESS AND STIFLE YOURSELF. Because of your bullshit insecurities and self-esteem issues.
I’ll say it again until you get this through your thick fucking skulls: Everything you need to be fucking amazing is already within you!!! It’s just held down by your fears, doubts and anxieties. Which clearly signals SHITTY SELF-ESTEEM.
To counteract this, you need to GROW THE FUCK UP and shed the bullshit conditioning you’ve been spoonfed your entire life by various authority figures like a good little consumer boy. And learn how to channel that state of being your true fucking self ON COMMAND. Or at least when you feel like it. And eventually LIVE IN THAT STATE, naturally.
It’s difficult but achievable.
Building a solid self-esteem takes A LOT OF WORK AND FUCKING EFFORT. It’s HARD. But everything worth having in life takes a SHITLOAD of effort unless you’re super fucking lucky.
That’s what I learned to do and it took me like 6-7 years of constantly working on myself before I could take control of my life and live the way I want and like.
I was suddenly able to go to any club or party or gathering and be like IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKERS and become the life of the party. Not necessarily dancing around like a retarded monkey with endless energy. Which is fucking exhausting in its own right if you don’t enjoy the process and aren’t an extrovert. And I’m as introverted as they come. But instead having the INTENSITY and UNCOMPROSISING BELIEF in yourself, no matter how fucking weird you are. Which draws people in.
Some may like you for it, some may not, but EVERYONE WILL RESPECT YOU. And women are drawn to that, naturally. And it works for absolutely any type and combination of personality there is. In fact, it’s AMPLIFIED by your personality, that’s exactly why it works for everyone.
But to achieve this, it takes some solid inner game, a Bulletproof Self-Esteem as I like to call it, and TAKING FULL FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE.
Do you know what maturity is? It’s when you stop being a boy and start being a MAN. And the prerequisite to that is to TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE.
NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. You have to realize that someday. It’s up to YOU to save yourself from a life of regret and mediocrity!
We’re not living in a fairytale, no magical being is gonna come down from the heavens and bless you one day so you suddenly and effortlessly become some uber version of yourself by magic, without doing any work! No one fucking cares about you except you and maybe some family and very close friends if you’re lucky!
Women want a MAN beside them, not a LOST LITTLE BOY who wishes his life was different! Ask any woman here or elsewhere, they’ll tell you straight away if they’re honest.
But to become this man you have to take control of your life. And also, be GENUINE and AUTHENTIC.
Straight from google: To be Genuine means to know who you are. It’s being confident enough to be comfortable in your own skin. And being firmly grounded in reality, truly present in each moment because you’re not trying to figure out someone else’s agenda or worrying about your own.
To be Authentic means to be true to your own personality and values, regardless of the pressure you’re under to act otherwise. It’s when you’re honest with yourself and with others, and you take responsibility for your mistakes. Your values, ideals, and actions all align.
The key here is being true to your values, no matter what the pressure is or where it’s coming from.
And let me tell you, most people in their daily lives STRUGGLE with their values. Including me, from time to time. It’s fucking hard to have integrity when it’s so much easier not to do the right thing. Especially when there’s tons of pressure or danger. But that’s what makes the difference between men and boys!
That’s why it’s so difficult to be yourself in this day and age. But you need to STOP FUCKING AROUND BECAUSE LIFE IS SHORT!
Ok look, let me put it this way…. you are who you are, there’s no point in wondering WHY. You’re fine, no matter how you’re wired or how weird you are.
No matter how you choose to behave and how you are perceived, you are FINE! Within reasonable limits of course.
ACCEPT THAT and do the best with what you have!
Ugly? Fat? Short? Poor? Stupid? Old? Young? Cripple? Whatever the fuck else? ACCEPT THAT AND DO THE BEST WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. While trying to improve on these things as much as possible.
Who’s to dictate how you’re supposed to behave? Your friends? Your parents? Your teachers? SOCIETY? Fuck that! Being your own person is infinitely better for your self-esteem.
You can behave exactly as you wish. Even objectively badly if who you really are is an evil motherfucker out to screw and use others.
There will be CONSEQUENCES of course, but you must TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT and FULLY ACCEPT ANY AND ALL CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS.
That’s called being a mature motherfucker. That’s when you turn from a boy to a MAN. That’s called BEING YOURSELF. Your own individual.
And you’ve already been doing this once in your life, 100%
You were being yourself during your childhood. Because a child does EXACTLY AS THEY WANT.
But slowly, while growing up and being influenced by your life’s events, other people and your surroundings, you started LOSING YOURSELF. Little by little, more and more.
You were MOLDED to be something else. A good little worker, a nice little guy, a polite little citizen.
You were told to “live like that” and “behave like this” and “no, no don’t do that it’s a sin!” and It’s wrong to feel or think this way!“ So you lost yourself trying to please others and do as you’re told.
You started FILTERING yourself. putting a MASK on to hide your true self from people who told you how your natural behavior was somehow wrong. Without explaining how everything works and letting you make your own conclusions. So you started feeling SHAME for your true self because you were living someone else’s vision of how people are supposed to live!
That’s how most people live their lives.
That’s why most people aren’t being themselves.
So what now?
Want to be successful with women? Want people to like and respect you? Then JUST BE YOUR OWN FUCKING PERSON AND OWN IT!
How do you do that? Here’s the ACTIONABLE part, as promised.
Figure out who you fucking are and WHAT VALUES YOU REPRESENT!
Take the time to re-evaluate your life. Go sit in front of a mirror for however long it takes and REALLY THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND WHAT YOU WANT FROM IT.
Then take out some paper and a pen… better yet, start a JOURNAL and write down your values. Do this and take however many hours. This is CRUCIAL.
Then figure out and set and then write down GOALS FOR YOURSELF and START WORKING ON THEM. Both personal and professional goals
Then get some books on self-esteem and learn as much as you can. There are many good ones but one I personally recommend highly is The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel-Branden.
Then do all the ACTIONABLE exercises from that book to build up your self-esteem, little by little. Because there are MANY concrete exercises you can do that actually work to build your self-esteem and self-image. (A great book on self-image is Psycho-Cybernetics)
Do this until you actually LIKE YOURSELF. Until you become your own best friend.
Because here’s how it works in the real world: If you don’t even like yourself, HOW THE FUCK IS ANY WOMAN SUPPOSED TO LIKE YOU?!
If you can’t do this alone for some reason, SEEK HELP from someone who can pull you out of all this bullshit. Someone who knows WHAT THE FUCK THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
There are plenty of coaches on this sub and tons of other places. Some really good ones, some terrible, some just in it to make a buck and don’t really care.
A lot of coaches will teach you what to do and what to say and YOU WILL GET LAID. But they will fail to fix the core issue. So if you get the hot girl you always wanted but still continue to have a shitty self-esteem, SHE WILL LEAVE YOU.
And don’t contact me, I’m semi-retired and only work weekends and am fully booked for months and months, so seek someone else.
But work on your self-esteem and this handled. You owe it to yourselves because connecting once again with your true self is LIBERATING.
It’s so refreshing to meet a person like that! Who is being themselves.
Seriously, like 95% of your dating problems would be solved if you took the time to really develop your self-esteem to a healthy level. But that takes COMMITMENT TO YOUR GOALS and SELF-DISCIPLINE.
I know this works because I was so bad with women it was ridiculous. Then I took the time to get this handled in my 20s and have since been on several thousand dates and slept with so many women around the world I lost track after like 500… I’m in my 30s now and partnered up for life with a kid on the way.
People with high self-esteem are like fucking unicorns! No matter how many friends and enemies they have, everyone respects them!
They get laid like rockstars or find an amazing woman for life and stick together! Without learning how to talk to and seduce women. Because they are POLARIZING and SELF-ASSURED, have a self-image that aligns with their goals and what they’re doing and have a deep-rooted belief that they can handle anything that comes their way. So they NATURALLY DRAW PEOPLE IN.
That’s what this advice means, especially for dating and seduction.
Rant fucking over.
Damn this turned out to be long. But even if it helps just a few of you wake the fuck up and start living, I’ve done my part.
TL;DR People with high self-esteem are being themselves and reap all the benefits that entails. People with low self-esteem are not being themselves and fail miserably at life. Including dating. Sadly most people have low self-esteem.
Now here’s the follow-up, less ranty and more in-depth post on the same subject.
(This post is still a work in progress, I’ll edit and finish it later.)
If you read alot of self-improvement stuff, you’ll hear the advice to “Just Be Yourself!” all the time.
Just be yourself and all of your problems will be solved! Just be yourself and everyone will like you! Be yourself and you’ll be very successful with women!
But what if you’re a nervous, shy, anxious and timid pussy with low self-esteem? Will being THAT self bring you any success?
Obviously not. So what does this bullshit advice mean and why do so many people preach it?
Well, it’s actually REALLY GOOD advice, but ONLY IF you understand what it really means.
The problem is that most gurus and self development coaches preaching this advice don’t really explain it properly. Causing you to misunderstand it and make things worse for you, instead of helping.
That’s exactly why taking the advice to just be yourself at face value is bad. And why it’s the WORST ADVICE EVER when given by people who don’t have a clue how to explain it properly and why it works.
So I’m here to put this all to rest and finally explain to you what it all means. So you understand why this is actually one of the best advice on the planet in self-development. And how to use it properly to transform your life for the better. To become a man people respect, love and adore.
Read on, because this advice is truly life-changing when you finally understand it.
Being yourself consists of two crucial parts.
First Part of Being Yourself Means Living Up To Your Own Values
When you want to become better with women, a lot of people will tell you to be yourself and things will work out. Without explaining anything further.
Well, these people are fucking idiots and you shouldn’t listen to them. If they fail to explain HOW to be yourself.
Because what they’re saying is actually very true. You MUST be yourself to have a really good and successful life.
But here’s the kicker: Chances are you are NOT being yourself, at all.
I’d say around 80% of people in the world are not being themselves in their day to day life.
And I was one of these people, once. I think I only understood what this advice means at the core when I was around 30 years old.
And the thing is, I still have days where I’m struggling to be myself. Because it’s a very difficult thing to do in the times we’re living in.
So let me explain, before this starts to get really vague and confusing.
Most people aren’t really being themselves in their daily lives
Ok, so let me give you a few examples so you understand better what it means to be yourself. To TRULY be yourself.
Imagine this: You’re walking around town, thinking whatever it is you’re thinking in your head, and you spot a beautiful woman. You want to approach this woman and talk to her but you don’t. For various reasons. You’re either too afraid, think you’re not good enough for her, think she might have a boyfriend, that she’s out of your league. Or you’re putting her on a pedestal, or whatever.
Guess what? In that instant, no matter which reason you pick, YOU ARE NOT BEING YOURSELF.
Next, you’re working hard on a difficult project at work. You’re doing great and you finish the project and everyone praises you. So you think you deserve more money but you’re too afraid to go to your boss to ask for a raise or a promotion. Or you don’t want to inconvenience your boss. Or you don’t want to make more than your co-workers thinking they will like you less, or whatever.
Again, you’re not being yourself.
Then you plan on going shopping with your brother or sister. You’re late and they’ve been waiting for you for 20 minutes, getting rightfully frustrated. You came and they ask you why are you late but you brush it off and say you were busy. Then you go clothes shopping. They try on some new clothes and ask you how they look. You don’t want to hurt their feelings so you say nothing. Or you lie and say they look great even if they look ugly. Or you say you don’t care, etc.
You’re not being yourself.
You’re out with friends driving around town and the one in the driver’s seat starts driving recklessly, really fast and it feels dangerous. But you don’t want to say anything because of various reasons. Maybe you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe you’re afraid of them. Or maybe you don’t like confrontation. Maybe you want to look cool in front of your other friends.
Once more, you’re not being yourself.
You go to a store with your child and they want you to get them some toy but you don’t have the money. You don’t want to tell them that so you think of some lame excuse why you can’t buy it.
You’re not being yourself once again.
Are you starting to see any pattern here?
Ok, so you’re talking to a girl and suddenly you “run out of things to say” to her. You try to impress her so she likes you. Maybe you know she already likes you but you don’t kiss her for various reasons. And so on and so forth.
Surprise surprise, you aren’t living up to who you are.
I can give hundreds of these examples. There are just some at the top of my head.
So what does it all mean, why aren’t you being yourself?
The answer why you’re not being yourself in all the examples above is very simple.
YOU ARE NOT LIVING ACCORDING TO YOUR CORE VALUES.
YOU’RE NOT LIVING UP TO YOUR OWN STANDARDS.
Your values are the things you believe are important in the way you live your live.
Here’s a non-comprehensive, random list of Core Values you can have in life:
Ok, so as a human being, when you were growing up, you eventually developed some values in life. Everyone does.
Your values may be different from mine. You may have some very unique values that other people don’t. Or you may have pretty standard values that most people do. And you may even have some fucked up values if your childhood was rough and shitty.
Whatever they are, I’m pretty sure some of them are on the list above.
For examples, maybe one of your core values is Competence. But you got a job because the owner of the company is your neighbor and not because you’re actually right for the job. You went against one of your core values. You’re not being yourself.
Or maybe one of your values is Kindness, but you’re cruel to the homeless. Or your core value is Honesty, but you lie a lot to people.
Now if you go back to my examples above, you probably see some values being broken or ignored. Like Honesty, Integrity, Courage, Loyalty, Responsibility, Kindness, Autonomy, Fairness, Wisdom, Respect, Trust. See if you can spot which value and where.
When you don’t live up to your core values, you’re not being yourself
Now you’re probably starting to understand why “Just Be Yourself” is a very complex thing. And also why people struggle to be themselves daily.
One of my core values is Honesty. But I honestly have some days where I don’t tell the truth. Because it can be very difficult sometimes.
I’m also not Courageous as much as I want.
But at least I’m living up to my core value of Learning. Because I love to learn and I’m learning all the time, reading books, listening to audiobooks, watching courses, etc. I’m going to learn as long as I live.
So what are YOUR core values?
Where are you not living up to them in your life?
To truly understand yourself and be yourself, you must first take the time to re-evaluate your life and make a list of your core values. Write it down somewhere, to solidify it.
Then, try your best to live up to them.
That’s the thing, Being Yourself is a LIFELONG PROCESS.
When you live up to your core values and when you live your life according to them, you are being yourself.
People around you, both strangers and the ones you know, will really notice it.
Because when you live up to your own values, your Self-Esteem keeps increasing. And the more you live up to your values, the higher your Self-Esteem becomes.
And when you have a high Self-Esteem, your life becomes significantly better.
People respect you more, you like yourself more, women find you more attractive. And you attract success and make success of your life for yourself with your actions. Because Self-Esteem is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The higher it is, the better thoughts you think and the better emotions you feel. So you feel motivated to MAKE GOOD SHIT HAPPEN in your life. And you work towards all the great things in life.
The Second Part of How To Be Yourself
Now that we have your core values out of the way, let’s talk about the other part of how to be yourself.
It’s called being Genuine and Authentic.
I talk about this a LOT in my book on how to get laid on the first date and get a girlfriend or lover.
Being Genuine means knowing who you are. It’s being confident enough to be comfortable in your own skin. And being firmly grounded in reality, truly present in each moment because you’re not trying to figure out someone else’s agenda or worrying about your own.
Being Authentic means you’re true to your own personality, values, and spirit, regardless of the pressure that you’re under to act otherwise. You’re honest with yourself and with others, and you take responsibility for your mistakes. Your values, ideals, and actions all align.
So when you’re not doing these things, YOU ARE NOT BEING YOURSELF!
See how difficult it is to actually be yourself? No wonder most people aren’t!
Most people walk around like zombies, being afraid, anxious, disingenuous and inauthentic. That’s pretty sad, but that’s how it is in this day and age.
We’re also often trying to be someone we’re not. We’re afraid to let our own personality shine because of shame, shyness, guilt, feelings of unworthiness, and more.
So here’s even more difficult advice:
Do not imitate others. FIND yourself and be yourself.
Stay true to your unique personality because there’s only one of you in this world!
As you can see, it’s easier said than done.
And this is one of the main reasons why so many men struggle with women so much.
That’s because being your true self and being genuine and authentic is a sign of maturity. And maturity is when you become a man and stop being a boy, which means TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE. And women want a MAN beside them, NOT A LOST LITTLE BOY!
Why do we fail to be Genuine and Authentic so often?
People mostly fail to be genuine and authentic because of their conditioning. Also their upbrining, which includes parenting.
A lot of who you are now and who you become later depends on how your parents treat you when you’re a child.
If you’re often scolded, repressed, not allowed to display and experience your emotions, you develop problems with self-respect and self-expression later in life.
Human beings are the only organisms on the planet who have trouble being themselves. And the only ones who experience self-esteem.
Have you ever heard of a cow being worried about what other cows think of it? Or an aligator being afraid to express itself? No, this is a distinctly human problem.
What’s more, every mass media in the world does its best to reinforce our insecurities.
Why? Because insecure people are great consumers! Insecure people want to buy shit they don’t need to feel better about themselves!
Feel inadequate? Buy that brand new ferrari!
Feel ugly? That dress or costume will surely fix your problem!
Fat and lazy? Don’t work out, get the dangerous but expensive lyposuction instead to look and feel better about yourself!
The list of examples is endless.
Insecure people make billions for producers of goods. Marketers have figured out how to milk them so it pays really well to keep people insecure.
To escape this, you actually have to THINK FOR YOURSELF and evaluate your life according to your own needs and wants. Not according to someone else’s needs and wants! And that’s very difficult to do!
Now you see why it’s so hard to “Just Be Yourself!” Everything is against you; the world, the media, and even yourself!
No wonder why so many people aren’t being themselves.
No wonder this advice is bullshit and brilliant at the same time!
Belonging to groups or tribes kills your individuality
Finally, something else that kills your chances of being yourself is joining groups, tribes, cults, organizations and similar things that have a political and social agenda.
Organizations that provide a plan, goal and vision for you. Effectively taking Responsibility from you and onto themselves. And without Responsibility, you cannot be your own person. Because you suddenly BELONG to someone or something else.
This includes many different thigns, but most common ones are Religions, the Military, various cults, the KKK, Political Parties, etc.
In these organizations, you’re absolved of the Responsibility to THINK FOR YOURSELF. Because others will do the thinking for you – those who “know better.” You’re only to follow orders and do what’s best for the organization.
Basically, you start living for someone else, and stop living for yourself. So it’s almost impossible to be yourself when you’re part of such organizations.
Along with killing your individuality, these organizations strive to provide you with an identity. So you “belong” and are less likely to think of yourself as an independent individual.
They provide you with rules and punish you for breaking them.
For example, it’s no wonder why a ton of my coaching clients come from religious backgrounds. They suck with women because expressing your desire and sexual urges is apparently a sin. It’s no wonder they’re sexually repressed and have no clue how to talk to, attract and seduce women.
So don’t fall for this trap and don’t sign your life away. Don’t live someone else’s idea of life and live your own life, for yourself! Because once you do, you’ll be so much happier.